What?!

I was shaken too, I had somehow kept myself from looking at things through this perspective all along, but now like an out-of-body experience I was horrified watching myself through time trying to draw closer to her when there were obviously going to be better candidates later in her life to match her. It was sort of sad in a way, but what if I had continued on and won her heart only to wake up one morning in the far future with her to realize this too late? I had stopped myself on the very edge of insanity. What had I been thinking?! The INTP pages mention how often people of my personality type are able to stop an undertaking knowing that they could go on to be excellent in the given field and I believe a similar mechanism arrived at that point to disabuse me of my thoughtlessness, not because I was satisfied I could move forward to be the best man for her but because I was satisfied totally that I could not. It is as if the ghosts of her ancient ancestors reached out to me and told me to go fuck off.

I made excuses and left the gathering before she arrived. The course of action was very clear, where I had moved before to focus on our life connections I now needed to withdraw in much the same way as I had attempted to avoid her in the past, dropping out of musicals in which she was involved, destroying my chance to be elected as dance king, forcing myself to gain weight past healthiness once again, and pulling apart other things as quickly as possible. The secrecy and caution of my inner life gave me a great gift, with my intelligence and perseverance I could cause her to forget me completely, she had no idea how I felt about her and she could move on fully without the need to ever look back. Any feelings she may of had toward me were irrelevant. This then required extreme vigilance that the truth should never reach her ears.