What about Soda, or Pop, or Cola… or whatever we call it in the region where I am from?
Pop is a plague upon humanity in my mind. I drank quite a bit early on but after I stopped I lost weight and my skin cleared up very quickly. It dehydrates the body, rots the teeth, leaves traces of aluminum in the brain for later Alzheimer’s from the cans, the caffeine damages the heart, the carbonation compromises bone structure, and the abundance of sugars is just all-around awful, and it is a hidden cost (calorically and financially) most people don‘t realize they are spending. When I quit on the advice of a rather loud-mouthed guy named JH I was skeptical that it would have any effect. I wish I had an opportunity to thank him because it was some of the best advice I have ever received. I never drink pop.
Monday, October 18, 2010
But surely you use candy, alcohol and drugs occasionally? Certainly those have societal consequences?
Actually I don’t eat cakes, candy, muffins, cookies, chocolate-chip bars, ice cream, rice krispee treats, crème brulee, chocolate mousse, truffles, doughnuts, puddings or any of those things anymore regularly and I have never consumed alcohol or used an illegal drug throughout my entire life.
Actually I don’t eat cakes, candy, muffins, cookies, chocolate-chip bars, ice cream, rice krispee treats, crème brulee, chocolate mousse, truffles, doughnuts, puddings or any of those things anymore regularly and I have never consumed alcohol or used an illegal drug throughout my entire life.
Wait what? Those are all of the best things in creation!
When you stop drinking pop trying it again later is a bit strange, it tastes terrible, and similarly high fat, high sugar foods lose their appeal as your brain no longer craves them (1, 2, 3, 4), and if you eat cake at a party or have some ice cream it becomes just as difficult to stop again, I limit myself to one square of Endangered Species Chocolate a day, and have had the opportunity to explore many more interesting foods away from the "corn-sugar" off-the-shelf selection we Iowans are unfortunately largely responsible for. As the film FoodInc mentions most of the choice in grocery stores is actually illusory, the same eight ingredients are recombinated and repackaged to change the flavor but most of it is just the same.
When you stop drinking pop trying it again later is a bit strange, it tastes terrible, and similarly high fat, high sugar foods lose their appeal as your brain no longer craves them (1, 2, 3, 4), and if you eat cake at a party or have some ice cream it becomes just as difficult to stop again, I limit myself to one square of Endangered Species Chocolate a day, and have had the opportunity to explore many more interesting foods away from the "corn-sugar" off-the-shelf selection we Iowans are unfortunately largely responsible for. As the film FoodInc mentions most of the choice in grocery stores is actually illusory, the same eight ingredients are recombinated and repackaged to change the flavor but most of it is just the same.
At restaurants the food composition would seem unavoidable…
Which is precisely why I avoid eating at restaurants as much as possible. They are fine to visit on special occasions or to explore a new unique item perhaps, but the ballooning serving sizes and slick marketing tricks make me wary when I compare it to making a healthy meal at home for less money.
Which is precisely why I avoid eating at restaurants as much as possible. They are fine to visit on special occasions or to explore a new unique item perhaps, but the ballooning serving sizes and slick marketing tricks make me wary when I compare it to making a healthy meal at home for less money.
Aren’t you worried about getting Parkinson’s disease from the pesticides on all of the fruits and vegetables you eat?
Yes. Organic food may be better in that regard (although it isn’t nutritionally according to several studies) but organic food has a greater environmental cost due to the resources involved in making it. I try to eat a diet rich in whole grains, fiber, nuts, and so forth with plenty of fruits and vegetables and water, filtered to prevent the presence of some of the toxins involved with traveling through and remnant medication molecules left after water treatment processes in all major cities- like birth control pills, anti-seizure medications and anti-depressants (or drugs). The carbon filter of course adds bucky balls which release free-radicals into one’s system so one must cancel these out with antioxidants (which may cancel out some of the beneficial effects of exercise by siphoning out iron)
Yes. Organic food may be better in that regard (although it isn’t nutritionally according to several studies) but organic food has a greater environmental cost due to the resources involved in making it. I try to eat a diet rich in whole grains, fiber, nuts, and so forth with plenty of fruits and vegetables and water, filtered to prevent the presence of some of the toxins involved with traveling through and remnant medication molecules left after water treatment processes in all major cities- like birth control pills, anti-seizure medications and anti-depressants (or drugs). The carbon filter of course adds bucky balls which release free-radicals into one’s system so one must cancel these out with antioxidants (which may cancel out some of the beneficial effects of exercise by siphoning out iron)
This all sounds massively paranoid!
By 2030 it is projected that 86% of Americans could be overweight, and a lot of that is from not understanding food. A well functioning mind is best served by a well functioning body, with long telomeres and an absence of weight-related illnesses. I’m not alone in worrying about all of this, marketers have recently invented a name for my newly-emerging consumption demographic: LOHAS- Lifestyle of Health and Sustainability
By 2030 it is projected that 86% of Americans could be overweight, and a lot of that is from not understanding food. A well functioning mind is best served by a well functioning body, with long telomeres and an absence of weight-related illnesses. I’m not alone in worrying about all of this, marketers have recently invented a name for my newly-emerging consumption demographic: LOHAS- Lifestyle of Health and Sustainability
And you’ve never been curious about trying alcohol or drugs? Don’t you listen to stoner music like the Marley brothers and hang out with pot-heads sometimes?
I like the culture of peace and love, I don’t like the loss of control associated with the use of these things. As a kid I was always curious why more people after watching 80’s teen movies didn’t see the obvious downsides to consumption from the stereotypical “party scene” where the drunk kids end up doing something awful and hiding the body in the forest or spending the rest of the movie apologizing to their sweetheart- I decided (much like the con artist from the novel Galápagos) that I would not seek out any such diminishment of my faculties. Hard drugs are even worse, for obvious reasons, and I am also horrified at people who abuse prescription drugs and just take other people’s medicines that they haven’t cleared with their doctor. Every time you put something in your mouth it is a chemistry experiment that could easily go wrong!
I like the culture of peace and love, I don’t like the loss of control associated with the use of these things. As a kid I was always curious why more people after watching 80’s teen movies didn’t see the obvious downsides to consumption from the stereotypical “party scene” where the drunk kids end up doing something awful and hiding the body in the forest or spending the rest of the movie apologizing to their sweetheart- I decided (much like the con artist from the novel Galápagos) that I would not seek out any such diminishment of my faculties. Hard drugs are even worse, for obvious reasons, and I am also horrified at people who abuse prescription drugs and just take other people’s medicines that they haven’t cleared with their doctor. Every time you put something in your mouth it is a chemistry experiment that could easily go wrong!
No one has ever died of a marijuana overdose though…
But once again it hurts the brain- though a lot of the early science on the harms of marijuana was manufactured by tobacco interests, memory loss and a few other effects have demonstrably carried through- and once again it’s easy to get fat from repeated episodes of the munchies and its transport is bad for the environment and supports drug lords in South America who destabilize their local communities. I don't really mind if you want to use any of these things in a measured way (or grow them in your backyard even), I'm just trying to explain why I prefer not to.
But once again it hurts the brain- though a lot of the early science on the harms of marijuana was manufactured by tobacco interests, memory loss and a few other effects have demonstrably carried through- and once again it’s easy to get fat from repeated episodes of the munchies and its transport is bad for the environment and supports drug lords in South America who destabilize their local communities. I don't really mind if you want to use any of these things in a measured way (or grow them in your backyard even), I'm just trying to explain why I prefer not to.
Didn’t I see you drinking from a flask once at a party?
Once in high school a friend recommended we go to a party and bring a flask so we seemed to be getting drunk with everyone else as we watched them, but in fact we were drinking water and making anthropology jokes about our classmates the whole time. It was a bit like Bruce Wayne dumping out his drinks into houseplants as he watched vigilantly for the Bat Signal to appear during lavish social gatherings... one of the few actual comics I read as a kid.
Once in high school a friend recommended we go to a party and bring a flask so we seemed to be getting drunk with everyone else as we watched them, but in fact we were drinking water and making anthropology jokes about our classmates the whole time. It was a bit like Bruce Wayne dumping out his drinks into houseplants as he watched vigilantly for the Bat Signal to appear during lavish social gatherings... one of the few actual comics I read as a kid.
How are you not a pilgrim?
I don’t characterize myself as any nicer, more polite, or "boyscoutish" than the other people around me, some visitors from out of state have sworn that I am but I believe that that is just a perceptual frame colored by their expectations of Midwesterners.
As the INTP page authors were writing about, people like me are 'Chameleons' who tend to reflect back the attitudes of the people around us, and all of the behaviors that I am generally criticized as being a purist for generally fall back in motivation not from fear of some parental or patriarchal ambivalence, but from something else entirely: As children my younger sister and I were taken many places by our mother, a doctor, because she worked full time and did not have anyone to watch us. She would take us on visits to terminally ill patients we would watch writhing in pain, and then a few weeks later she would take us to their funerals. I had knowledge of the brutal nature of mortality at a very young age, and I was wrestling with nihilism even as an elementary schooler.
Hedonistic abandon fueled by a shocking realization of universal insignificance might be a novel development in YOUR life, oh masses of my drunken city, but for me the cold comfort that I could be struck by a brain aneurysm tomorrow and never again see tree, face, or chair has for me been a constant background hum.
I don’t characterize myself as any nicer, more polite, or "boyscoutish" than the other people around me, some visitors from out of state have sworn that I am but I believe that that is just a perceptual frame colored by their expectations of Midwesterners.
As the INTP page authors were writing about, people like me are 'Chameleons' who tend to reflect back the attitudes of the people around us, and all of the behaviors that I am generally criticized as being a purist for generally fall back in motivation not from fear of some parental or patriarchal ambivalence, but from something else entirely: As children my younger sister and I were taken many places by our mother, a doctor, because she worked full time and did not have anyone to watch us. She would take us on visits to terminally ill patients we would watch writhing in pain, and then a few weeks later she would take us to their funerals. I had knowledge of the brutal nature of mortality at a very young age, and I was wrestling with nihilism even as an elementary schooler.
Hedonistic abandon fueled by a shocking realization of universal insignificance might be a novel development in YOUR life, oh masses of my drunken city, but for me the cold comfort that I could be struck by a brain aneurysm tomorrow and never again see tree, face, or chair has for me been a constant background hum.
So your life is ruled by fear?
My life is ruled by GRATITUDE, that I wasn't born with my skin inside out, that I wasn't born in the depths of deprivation without human rights or the chance to learn to read- that I can walk and taste and not get raped every morning in a shadowed prison courtyard, the problem seems to me that I am not afraid to acknowledge these worldly execrations.
I see relative blessing where the normal person might see "failure", shrug, and start using methamphetamines because what the fuck, his or her life sucks so bad. Until you live in the middle of an abandoned desert village drinking your own urine and waiting for the soldiers to return to string your innards up around the waiting brush your life is not that terrible. I am so pleased that I do not have to worry about the local animals laying eggs in my brain, constant earthquakes, or accidentally walking on a fifty-year old landmine that I try not to take these advantages for granted, so I seize the day... and I'm glad I have the ability to draw such distinctions from the normal goings-on around me.
We as humans like to think of ourselves as more invincible, attractive, and intelligent than average thanks to psychological flaws but this is not well-grounded reality at all. Setbacks can and will happen to all of us. Luckily the information exists out there to avoid or lessen with forethought most of the difficulties people become most commonly afflicted with: as Thomas Jefferson said "He is the best pilot, who steers clearest of the rocks and shoals".
My life is ruled by GRATITUDE, that I wasn't born with my skin inside out, that I wasn't born in the depths of deprivation without human rights or the chance to learn to read- that I can walk and taste and not get raped every morning in a shadowed prison courtyard, the problem seems to me that I am not afraid to acknowledge these worldly execrations.
I see relative blessing where the normal person might see "failure", shrug, and start using methamphetamines because what the fuck, his or her life sucks so bad. Until you live in the middle of an abandoned desert village drinking your own urine and waiting for the soldiers to return to string your innards up around the waiting brush your life is not that terrible. I am so pleased that I do not have to worry about the local animals laying eggs in my brain, constant earthquakes, or accidentally walking on a fifty-year old landmine that I try not to take these advantages for granted, so I seize the day... and I'm glad I have the ability to draw such distinctions from the normal goings-on around me.
We as humans like to think of ourselves as more invincible, attractive, and intelligent than average thanks to psychological flaws but this is not well-grounded reality at all. Setbacks can and will happen to all of us. Luckily the information exists out there to avoid or lessen with forethought most of the difficulties people become most commonly afflicted with: as Thomas Jefferson said "He is the best pilot, who steers clearest of the rocks and shoals".
How do you find the willpower to give up things so totally?
The Catholic tradition of lent has always been interesting to me, one is called upon to give up something one really likes (or adopt a new behavior) while eating less and not making a show of it- a bit like a New Year's Resolution with a built-in stop point. I decided growing up that I would give up something new every year and everything given up in previous years as well. This becomes sufficiently annoying over time that one eventually just gives up the behavior all together unless there is a special circumstance. So far the list has been:
Fighting with my younger sister
Candy (which I added an exception for in one square of dark chocolate)
Ice cream
Non-educational television
Pizza
Pop
Restaurant visits without occasion
Buying Bottled Water
Buying Video Games
Elevators
Buying Cheese and All Cheese Containing Foods
Plastic Containers in the Microwave (plasticizers are carcinogenic)
Table salt
Chewing Gum (ghost calories)
High-sugar fruit drinks
Buying Red Meat
One day when I'm older I am going to go back and do everything on the whole list to that point in one day, and it's going to be quite a party.
The Catholic tradition of lent has always been interesting to me, one is called upon to give up something one really likes (or adopt a new behavior) while eating less and not making a show of it- a bit like a New Year's Resolution with a built-in stop point. I decided growing up that I would give up something new every year and everything given up in previous years as well. This becomes sufficiently annoying over time that one eventually just gives up the behavior all together unless there is a special circumstance. So far the list has been:
Fighting with my younger sister
Candy (which I added an exception for in one square of dark chocolate)
Ice cream
Non-educational television
Pizza
Pop
Restaurant visits without occasion
Buying Bottled Water
Buying Video Games
Elevators
Buying Cheese and All Cheese Containing Foods
Plastic Containers in the Microwave (plasticizers are carcinogenic)
Table salt
Chewing Gum (ghost calories)
High-sugar fruit drinks
Buying Red Meat
One day when I'm older I am going to go back and do everything on the whole list to that point in one day, and it's going to be quite a party.
Do you judge others who have made different life decisions than yours, like enjoying the occasional lasagna?
The formation of a personality is a unique set of causal circumstances, physical and experiential. If I had different experiences than the ones I had I could very easily have been like, or made decisions like, anyone else on this planet. This is a philosophical stance called "hard determinism" that I have held since I was very young. Like Richard Fumerton (I was surprised to learn), an influential epistemologist who teaches in the Iowa philosophy department, I believe that under the proper set of events (drawing from an infinite set only bounded by the practical laws of physics) anyone on Earth can become a murderer, the president, a lepidopterist, etc. the probability as measured from variance with the most likely course of actions drawn from the perspective of an outsider might vary from person to person (from our perspective not knowing where all of the atoms are going to go it would seem like a senator would be more likely to become president than a street hobo we chose at random, when in fact under the circumstance of an upcoming revolution the hobo would probably have the advantage).
I only THINK that eating vegetables will improve my health based on past cases of people becoming more healthy from eating vegetables. In my particular case perhaps I might die from eating tainted spinach or choking on some peas, so far be it from me to criticize you if my choices end up being the worse ones, I can only rely on what I think to be true.
The formation of a personality is a unique set of causal circumstances, physical and experiential. If I had different experiences than the ones I had I could very easily have been like, or made decisions like, anyone else on this planet. This is a philosophical stance called "hard determinism" that I have held since I was very young. Like Richard Fumerton (I was surprised to learn), an influential epistemologist who teaches in the Iowa philosophy department, I believe that under the proper set of events (drawing from an infinite set only bounded by the practical laws of physics) anyone on Earth can become a murderer, the president, a lepidopterist, etc. the probability as measured from variance with the most likely course of actions drawn from the perspective of an outsider might vary from person to person (from our perspective not knowing where all of the atoms are going to go it would seem like a senator would be more likely to become president than a street hobo we chose at random, when in fact under the circumstance of an upcoming revolution the hobo would probably have the advantage).
I only THINK that eating vegetables will improve my health based on past cases of people becoming more healthy from eating vegetables. In my particular case perhaps I might die from eating tainted spinach or choking on some peas, so far be it from me to criticize you if my choices end up being the worse ones, I can only rely on what I think to be true.
Should we lock up criminals then, if they just had the misfortune to run into the specific set of circumstances that made them want to commit wrongdoing?
Yes. The fact that it was in our view unfortunate does not change the implications. We as a society have the misfortune to run into the specific set of circumstances that make us want to take people who do anti-social things and keep them away from everybody else.
Yes. The fact that it was in our view unfortunate does not change the implications. We as a society have the misfortune to run into the specific set of circumstances that make us want to take people who do anti-social things and keep them away from everybody else.
So where is the line drawn in your mind between acceptable and unacceptable behavior?
People should seek pleasure to the extent that they are not, in their informed estimation, doing harm to themselves or others, now or in the future. Knowingly harming people is unacceptable. The line of how much harm against others warrants punishment is drawn by legal systems throughout the world, though in reality it is possible to do more harm to a person psychologically with a single offhand comment than hitting them in the chest with a golf club.
Implicitly not taking care of yourself and forcing society to pay for it when this goes bad is harming others in that the money could be going instead to the needy. Wearing an ugly sweater harms others because the viewers will feel sad for a few seconds when looking at you. Washing your hands with antibacterial soap adds to the likelihood of antibiotic-resistant bacteria evolving. Walking down the street in a busy city harms people because the brain's facial recognition software can't handle all of the stimuli, so it's been suggested now that living in larger cities makes you less intelligent (likely not helped by the measurable levels of ambient cocaine in the air in every metropolitan population center in the modern world...)
Everyone has to decide for themselves how much they are willing to mess up other people and how much they are going to let the other people get away with themselves.
People should seek pleasure to the extent that they are not, in their informed estimation, doing harm to themselves or others, now or in the future. Knowingly harming people is unacceptable. The line of how much harm against others warrants punishment is drawn by legal systems throughout the world, though in reality it is possible to do more harm to a person psychologically with a single offhand comment than hitting them in the chest with a golf club.
Implicitly not taking care of yourself and forcing society to pay for it when this goes bad is harming others in that the money could be going instead to the needy. Wearing an ugly sweater harms others because the viewers will feel sad for a few seconds when looking at you. Washing your hands with antibacterial soap adds to the likelihood of antibiotic-resistant bacteria evolving. Walking down the street in a busy city harms people because the brain's facial recognition software can't handle all of the stimuli, so it's been suggested now that living in larger cities makes you less intelligent (likely not helped by the measurable levels of ambient cocaine in the air in every metropolitan population center in the modern world...)
Everyone has to decide for themselves how much they are willing to mess up other people and how much they are going to let the other people get away with themselves.
You know many environmentalists recommend urinating in the shower as a way to prevent excessive water costs associated with unnecessary toilet usage...
And to them I say GROSS. I am a student of microbiology, and in that capacity I understand that without respect for modern sewage practices people die, frequently and horribly.
And to them I say GROSS. I am a student of microbiology, and in that capacity I understand that without respect for modern sewage practices people die, frequently and horribly.
And yet surely you have urinated in a public swimming pool or shower...
Surely I have not. Cryptosporidium strains have now evolved the ability to withstand chlorine environments thanks to the people who did that, and as I train for triathlons or visits sprawling water parks I always thank them silently for giving me a reason to take it slow and not to overdo fancy tricks or racing too quickly to chance swallowing any of the brackish, disgusting water.
Before the Clear Lake outbreak of hemorrhagic E-coli I was with my Boy Scout troop daring a speedboat driver to pull me on an inner-tube faster than 45mph, and after he whiplashed me into the air by snapping the rope across his wake after pulling a 180 degree turn, it was only a few hours later that I began vomiting up blood, having swallowed some contaminated lake pollution. A 50% survival rate after infection exacerbated by them giving me scorched-earth antibiotics (now highly non-recommended for similar cases). I spent weeks writhing agony as little monsters tried to eat my intestines. Dehydrated and in excruciating pain, doped up on morphine my mind somehow taught itself to function in the adverse circumstances presented to it, and it decided to not undergo this trial again.
Surely I have not. Cryptosporidium strains have now evolved the ability to withstand chlorine environments thanks to the people who did that, and as I train for triathlons or visits sprawling water parks I always thank them silently for giving me a reason to take it slow and not to overdo fancy tricks or racing too quickly to chance swallowing any of the brackish, disgusting water.
Before the Clear Lake outbreak of hemorrhagic E-coli I was with my Boy Scout troop daring a speedboat driver to pull me on an inner-tube faster than 45mph, and after he whiplashed me into the air by snapping the rope across his wake after pulling a 180 degree turn, it was only a few hours later that I began vomiting up blood, having swallowed some contaminated lake pollution. A 50% survival rate after infection exacerbated by them giving me scorched-earth antibiotics (now highly non-recommended for similar cases). I spent weeks writhing agony as little monsters tried to eat my intestines. Dehydrated and in excruciating pain, doped up on morphine my mind somehow taught itself to function in the adverse circumstances presented to it, and it decided to not undergo this trial again.
Uh huh. Who shot the cover picture for this blog?
That would be my friend JN.
Having hung out with me in Rio de Janiero for a month, JN is a first rate photographer and web designer who among other things can speak Japanese, knows the KnitHarlot personally, and is expecting her first child with my friend PBDSG. We are all very impressed.
That would be my friend JN.
This is a picture my friend JN.
Having hung out with me in Rio de Janiero for a month, JN is a first rate photographer and web designer who among other things can speak Japanese, knows the KnitHarlot personally, and is expecting her first child with my friend PBDSG. We are all very impressed.
This is my a picture of my friend PBDSG
For an purported introvert you seem to have a lot of friends...
In Jewish mysticism there is a notion called the "Tzadikim Nistarim", Every generation 36 people are chosen by divinity to represent the goodness of humanity. They don't know that they've been chosen and if they figure it out or meet another and notice the second's righteousness, they die and are replaced with a backup. If even one of the 36 fall the world comes to a total end. I mention this because I'm pretty sure I've met like ten of the Tzadikim Nisarim OF COOLNESS. If they stop being cool than the world ends. It's not even a trait I put much value in... yet even my far associates are generally one and a half standard deviations above the average.
Could you be psychologically projecting regard upon them because you secretly think that they suck?
No, because as I was just nerding at the reader this regard-free value is a quantifiable and tangible property on even a behaviorist objective-criterion rubric. I can't account for it on the basis of social pressures and it kind of weirds me out. It seems quite bizarre from the systems psychology perspective to focus on my individual nature at all without the contributions of my groups or their advancements, but please trust that somehow they universally have been oddly uniform in their pursuits of metafun
In Jewish mysticism there is a notion called the "Tzadikim Nistarim", Every generation 36 people are chosen by divinity to represent the goodness of humanity. They don't know that they've been chosen and if they figure it out or meet another and notice the second's righteousness, they die and are replaced with a backup. If even one of the 36 fall the world comes to a total end. I mention this because I'm pretty sure I've met like ten of the Tzadikim Nisarim OF COOLNESS. If they stop being cool than the world ends. It's not even a trait I put much value in... yet even my far associates are generally one and a half standard deviations above the average.
Could you be psychologically projecting regard upon them because you secretly think that they suck?
No, because as I was just nerding at the reader this regard-free value is a quantifiable and tangible property on even a behaviorist objective-criterion rubric. I can't account for it on the basis of social pressures and it kind of weirds me out. It seems quite bizarre from the systems psychology perspective to focus on my individual nature at all without the contributions of my groups or their advancements, but please trust that somehow they universally have been oddly uniform in their pursuits of metafun
You probably just had a better opportunity than most to meet lots of people, increasing the likelihood of running into someone kickass and becoming friends with them.
Growing up in a university town it's true that I had a lot of my friends move away because their parents were students or faculty getting transferred- MP, BS, AS, KM, BN, and many of the friends that I did keep ended up getting shifted like my friend SN to another class group in the following registration period (although actually it was my parents transferring me to whichever teacher had the strictest reputation, I found out later).
Still the turnover was not sufficient to explain how then (or now in the following years) such a property has been conserved, lest I in my brilliance unwittingly just cause people to be born at certain times or they were all drawn to Iowa by delicious soybeans. The position of Ames as "one of the best-ranked cities of its size" with "a nationally-recognized school system" is pitiful. Each of those superlatives are based upon awful metrics, yet no one I've met belongs as one of the five trapped forever in Gehenna to my knowledge, unless they now author unthinkable chaos behind closed doors (CS may be a mass-murderer, but she really has no concept of what she is doing so that doesn't count...).
Growing up in a university town it's true that I had a lot of my friends move away because their parents were students or faculty getting transferred- MP, BS, AS, KM, BN, and many of the friends that I did keep ended up getting shifted like my friend SN to another class group in the following registration period (although actually it was my parents transferring me to whichever teacher had the strictest reputation, I found out later).
Still the turnover was not sufficient to explain how then (or now in the following years) such a property has been conserved, lest I in my brilliance unwittingly just cause people to be born at certain times or they were all drawn to Iowa by delicious soybeans. The position of Ames as "one of the best-ranked cities of its size" with "a nationally-recognized school system" is pitiful. Each of those superlatives are based upon awful metrics, yet no one I've met belongs as one of the five trapped forever in Gehenna to my knowledge, unless they now author unthinkable chaos behind closed doors (CS may be a mass-murderer, but she really has no concept of what she is doing so that doesn't count...).
So you can rank these friends according to a complex sorting algorithm?
There was a researcher a few years ago named Piers Steel at the University of Calvary who wrote a mathematical equation to explain the functional properties of the psychological process of procrastination- this inspired me to read books like "Guesstimation" and "Probably Not" dealing with the mathematical quantification of anything you could possibly want. That being said I prefer to fit things into mental constructs of imagery, like a "chessboard of all of the coolest people I've ever met". I would say "my friend RS is pretty damn cool, according to assigned variables he is like the left-side black knight of not being intolerable, one of the coolest pieces". Using this organizational principle in encoding important considerations can be very useful. It's like building a memory castle.
There was a researcher a few years ago named Piers Steel at the University of Calvary who wrote a mathematical equation to explain the functional properties of the psychological process of procrastination- this inspired me to read books like "Guesstimation" and "Probably Not" dealing with the mathematical quantification of anything you could possibly want. That being said I prefer to fit things into mental constructs of imagery, like a "chessboard of all of the coolest people I've ever met". I would say "my friend RS is pretty damn cool, according to assigned variables he is like the left-side black knight of not being intolerable, one of the coolest pieces". Using this organizational principle in encoding important considerations can be very useful. It's like building a memory castle.
This is a picture of my friend RS
Are You a Racist?
Many people of varying ethnicities probably wonder this about everyone they meet outside of their background. I have never felt biased against one ethnic group (consciously) because I come from four rather disparate Western European subpopulations whose descendants arrived in America at roughly the same time: The Scottish/Viking pirate clan of Gunn (which over several generations inter-bred with most of the rest of the clans), the English aristocracy, emigrants from the East-German town of Gera (fleeing Osterstein castle I would imagine and the demonic monster fashioned from corpses, rage, and my friend N. Oster), and the Irish, who were often very badly discriminated against by the other groups.
I grew up around many interacting ethnicities co-existing peacefully and I have also taken the “Unconscious Bias” psychological survey which has reported no significant bias (which might be wrong of course if the study itself were scientifically biased). Somewhat trivial differences exist between ethnicities in genetic expression of melanin, lactose processing, muscle fiber arrangements, and apparently which groups had women sleeping with Neanderthals back before recorded history according to one pretty shocking study that came out earlier this year, but mainly we all are the same.
Many people of varying ethnicities probably wonder this about everyone they meet outside of their background. I have never felt biased against one ethnic group (consciously) because I come from four rather disparate Western European subpopulations whose descendants arrived in America at roughly the same time: The Scottish/Viking pirate clan of Gunn (which over several generations inter-bred with most of the rest of the clans), the English aristocracy, emigrants from the East-German town of Gera (fleeing Osterstein castle I would imagine and the demonic monster fashioned from corpses, rage, and my friend N. Oster), and the Irish, who were often very badly discriminated against by the other groups.
I grew up around many interacting ethnicities co-existing peacefully and I have also taken the “Unconscious Bias” psychological survey which has reported no significant bias (which might be wrong of course if the study itself were scientifically biased). Somewhat trivial differences exist between ethnicities in genetic expression of melanin, lactose processing, muscle fiber arrangements, and apparently which groups had women sleeping with Neanderthals back before recorded history according to one pretty shocking study that came out earlier this year, but mainly we all are the same.
Are you gay?
A majority of people that I have met in my life are under the impression, since I have never dated, kissed, or even held hand with a girl, and am of the habit of shutting females down cold when they (often aggressively) go after me for dates or straight up sexual hookups, that either I have been having lots of Secret Homosexual Intercourse on the down-low like a young Andy Warhol... or even worse that I am closeted to such a degree that I cannot even come to terms with my own Fanatical Regard for Male Genitalia, and therefore live in a state of such tragic denial that I would go insane were I ever to enter a disco club or watch my son seemingly performing oral acts of pleasure on a neighbor like the Nazi souvenir collector in the film "American Beauty".
In actuality however I have also been turning down all of the not inconsiderable number of male advances on my person as well.
A majority of people that I have met in my life are under the impression, since I have never dated, kissed, or even held hand with a girl, and am of the habit of shutting females down cold when they (often aggressively) go after me for dates or straight up sexual hookups, that either I have been having lots of Secret Homosexual Intercourse on the down-low like a young Andy Warhol... or even worse that I am closeted to such a degree that I cannot even come to terms with my own Fanatical Regard for Male Genitalia, and therefore live in a state of such tragic denial that I would go insane were I ever to enter a disco club or watch my son seemingly performing oral acts of pleasure on a neighbor like the Nazi souvenir collector in the film "American Beauty".
In actuality however I have also been turning down all of the not inconsiderable number of male advances on my person as well.
Because you prefer bestiality or some other Aberrant Fetishistic Tendency?
No. I feel pity for psychopaths (like the murderer in the film "M" by Fritz Lang) and regard others in 'the constellation of kinkiness' as normal people with intense hobbies that I am not now a part of. Just as I can appreciate someone wanting to build model airplanes for the rest of their life in an engrossing and personal passion of seemingly unknown origins, I can appreciate that some people enjoy throwing garbage at each other naked, rolling around on balloons, worshipping each others' feet, etc.
I think what truly is at root is the pleasure inspired in the person you are mating with, and that is a noble goal no matter what crazy stuff you get up to, as long as you aren't hurting someone against their will.
No. I feel pity for psychopaths (like the murderer in the film "M" by Fritz Lang) and regard others in 'the constellation of kinkiness' as normal people with intense hobbies that I am not now a part of. Just as I can appreciate someone wanting to build model airplanes for the rest of their life in an engrossing and personal passion of seemingly unknown origins, I can appreciate that some people enjoy throwing garbage at each other naked, rolling around on balloons, worshipping each others' feet, etc.
I think what truly is at root is the pleasure inspired in the person you are mating with, and that is a noble goal no matter what crazy stuff you get up to, as long as you aren't hurting someone against their will.
Then if you are a heterosexual why are you not capitalizing on the opportunity to mate with females? Are you trying to DESTROY SOCIETY?
Most Definitely! But beyond that I've been living a secret double life since I was fourteen, completely and totally obsessed with a girl who didn't even know that I existed (initially).
Most Definitely! But beyond that I've been living a secret double life since I was fourteen, completely and totally obsessed with a girl who didn't even know that I existed (initially).
Awwwwww. Oh wait, that is crazy. Why did you keep this a secret from everyone?
The tale is actually a long and boring story. As I grew up I developed maybe three small temporary crushes on girls at my elementary school- once my friend DM mentioned that he was interested in the same student I was (a new girl who had only been there for a week) and my interest in her evaporated instantly. I've noticed throughout my life that this factor seems to be the immediate kiss of death, any past interest of a friend permanently knocking any female out of bounds totally and permanently, they become in my eyes sexless facsimiles of their former selves (if I ever knew them as single people at all), much in the way I don't think of my male friends as objects of the passions. The psychological mechanisms are puzzling from an evolutionary perspective where some theorists posit close group living and serial monogamy were the norms, but on another level it may reflect a strong preference for TOTAL conflict avoidance, or perhaps a romantic notion of lasting love and fated pairings that has subconsciously subsumed itself into my netherconsciousness. Anyhow, that is something of an explanatory tangent.
As I joined middle school I still had never been on a date, never kissed a girl, held hands, etc. or even really spent much time with someone of the opposite gender in a non-antagonist context. The females growing up around me were annoying- they tended to carry around pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio from the film "Titanic" and act like despicable social divas (spend some time with a fifth grader or watch the film "Mean Girls", that sort of thing...). My strict upbringing gave me no chance to interact with anyone of my own age generally (a fact of life when you live with megalomaniacs), which is why I tended to read a lot.
Middle school seemed strange to me because in a single day everyone from across the disparate city had been brought together, Gertrude Fellows Elementary was a self-contained microcosm, but suddenly all of my previous allies abandoned their former identities entirely and I was left on a "team" [academic division] knowing barely anyone at all! I became shy and hung around with three guys- most people had no idea who I was, and tended to call me "MM", the name of one of the friends I followed around and discussed life with.
This reality continued on until the opportunity came for the annual eighth grade ski trip to Mt. Kato in Minnesota, a kid from a summer camp I had attended named Miles had seriously broken his leg in a previous year, but I weighed the pros and cons and decided to go anyway because the ability to traverse vertical snow quickly could be an advantage later in life. On the bunny hill I was completely terrible in fact! The "V-shape" one was supposed to form for some reason did not seem to slow me down at all, I continued coasting into a linked chain separator at the bottom of the track... deciding after a few more tries to hang out in the chalet and watch with amusement as others wrecked themselves repeatedly flying down the black diamonds or tumbling in flurries of limbs into park benches, trees, and the walls of buildings. I drank two small cups of hot chocolate over the course of several hours and cheerily discussed chaos and likely apocalypse with the same three friends I spoke to every day.
As night fell the chalet became extremely crowded as my classmates grew weary and cold, wanting to compare stories with one another and get food. I walked out onto the balcony to watch the few remaining dedicated out on the mountain. There was a full moon and the air was sharp, the trees off to the sides illuminated with lights as the snow machines gracefully churned out small sweeps of icy fog beneath a sky full of stars. It was eerily beautiful. People came out and went back in to survey the scene for a few moments, I didn't really feel like chatting with anyone and made little small talk. Then a girl came out onto the balcony and stood silently next to me for a few minutes. I had seen this girl in the halls around the school before but had never spoken to her or learned her name... yet in this frame, time froze completely. Later watching "Big Fish" with Ewan MacGregor knocking away the popcorn I had to smile knowingly- for my heart seemed to leap through my chest, it was though I had suddenly been hit with lighting. My senses alighted, everything became brighter and sharper, I could seemingly taste the molecules in the air, feel the softness of my gloves against my fingers in incredible detail, I could hear my own heartbeat, and underneath it the strains of a most wonderful string melody, softly playing against a song I had heard for the first time just a month ago: "Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. The entire universe seemed to bend over at the waist to look down at me and say "HELLO WILL". All of a sudden, for the first and only time in my life, I was totally and completely in love.
The tale is actually a long and boring story. As I grew up I developed maybe three small temporary crushes on girls at my elementary school- once my friend DM mentioned that he was interested in the same student I was (a new girl who had only been there for a week) and my interest in her evaporated instantly. I've noticed throughout my life that this factor seems to be the immediate kiss of death, any past interest of a friend permanently knocking any female out of bounds totally and permanently, they become in my eyes sexless facsimiles of their former selves (if I ever knew them as single people at all), much in the way I don't think of my male friends as objects of the passions. The psychological mechanisms are puzzling from an evolutionary perspective where some theorists posit close group living and serial monogamy were the norms, but on another level it may reflect a strong preference for TOTAL conflict avoidance, or perhaps a romantic notion of lasting love and fated pairings that has subconsciously subsumed itself into my netherconsciousness. Anyhow, that is something of an explanatory tangent.
As I joined middle school I still had never been on a date, never kissed a girl, held hands, etc. or even really spent much time with someone of the opposite gender in a non-antagonist context. The females growing up around me were annoying- they tended to carry around pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio from the film "Titanic" and act like despicable social divas (spend some time with a fifth grader or watch the film "Mean Girls", that sort of thing...). My strict upbringing gave me no chance to interact with anyone of my own age generally (a fact of life when you live with megalomaniacs), which is why I tended to read a lot.
Middle school seemed strange to me because in a single day everyone from across the disparate city had been brought together, Gertrude Fellows Elementary was a self-contained microcosm, but suddenly all of my previous allies abandoned their former identities entirely and I was left on a "team" [academic division] knowing barely anyone at all! I became shy and hung around with three guys- most people had no idea who I was, and tended to call me "MM", the name of one of the friends I followed around and discussed life with.
This reality continued on until the opportunity came for the annual eighth grade ski trip to Mt. Kato in Minnesota, a kid from a summer camp I had attended named Miles had seriously broken his leg in a previous year, but I weighed the pros and cons and decided to go anyway because the ability to traverse vertical snow quickly could be an advantage later in life. On the bunny hill I was completely terrible in fact! The "V-shape" one was supposed to form for some reason did not seem to slow me down at all, I continued coasting into a linked chain separator at the bottom of the track... deciding after a few more tries to hang out in the chalet and watch with amusement as others wrecked themselves repeatedly flying down the black diamonds or tumbling in flurries of limbs into park benches, trees, and the walls of buildings. I drank two small cups of hot chocolate over the course of several hours and cheerily discussed chaos and likely apocalypse with the same three friends I spoke to every day.
As night fell the chalet became extremely crowded as my classmates grew weary and cold, wanting to compare stories with one another and get food. I walked out onto the balcony to watch the few remaining dedicated out on the mountain. There was a full moon and the air was sharp, the trees off to the sides illuminated with lights as the snow machines gracefully churned out small sweeps of icy fog beneath a sky full of stars. It was eerily beautiful. People came out and went back in to survey the scene for a few moments, I didn't really feel like chatting with anyone and made little small talk. Then a girl came out onto the balcony and stood silently next to me for a few minutes. I had seen this girl in the halls around the school before but had never spoken to her or learned her name... yet in this frame, time froze completely. Later watching "Big Fish" with Ewan MacGregor knocking away the popcorn I had to smile knowingly- for my heart seemed to leap through my chest, it was though I had suddenly been hit with lighting. My senses alighted, everything became brighter and sharper, I could seemingly taste the molecules in the air, feel the softness of my gloves against my fingers in incredible detail, I could hear my own heartbeat, and underneath it the strains of a most wonderful string melody, softly playing against a song I had heard for the first time just a month ago: "Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. The entire universe seemed to bend over at the waist to look down at me and say "HELLO WILL". All of a sudden, for the first and only time in my life, I was totally and completely in love.
Wasn't that song in like, a Volkswagen commercial?
A month before the ski trip I was surfing the internet on my first computer looking for songs, and I typed in "British Folk Music", remembering that I liked the sound of "Scarborough Fair" by Simon and Garfunkle, which was based on medieval songs from Europe, and I discovered Nick Drake on the seventeenth list page.
Since his last name was a mythological creature I clicked on it, expecting ridiculously terrible dragon couplets, not an unknown musical genius that for a few precious days only I would know about. He became my automatic favorite... then just a week later, to my horror, I saw one of the first airings of a Volkswagen ad featuring the same person! It wasn't a bad commercial, but suddenly he had come to the attention of every "creative type" across the continent- it wasn't long before he was being featured on the soundtrack of films like "The Royal Tenenbaums", Brad Pitt shout-outs, everyday mixes of all of the college radio stations, and most recently a tactless Verizon wireless commercial.
Companies it turns out employ "music researchers" whose sole job it is to find really wonderful or cool tracks and then alert a conglomerate who will use it to push consumer products. I made it my personal mission entering high school to beat them to finding the best songs, else by the time that I came upon them it would be too late and appreciation would forever be tainted in my mind with associations to soft drinks or Nissan Altimas. Every time I find a good song before hearing it in an ad for the first time it's +1 point, every time the marketers find a song first it's -3. (My current score is 1538).
A month before the ski trip I was surfing the internet on my first computer looking for songs, and I typed in "British Folk Music", remembering that I liked the sound of "Scarborough Fair" by Simon and Garfunkle, which was based on medieval songs from Europe, and I discovered Nick Drake on the seventeenth list page.
Since his last name was a mythological creature I clicked on it, expecting ridiculously terrible dragon couplets, not an unknown musical genius that for a few precious days only I would know about. He became my automatic favorite... then just a week later, to my horror, I saw one of the first airings of a Volkswagen ad featuring the same person! It wasn't a bad commercial, but suddenly he had come to the attention of every "creative type" across the continent- it wasn't long before he was being featured on the soundtrack of films like "The Royal Tenenbaums", Brad Pitt shout-outs, everyday mixes of all of the college radio stations, and most recently a tactless Verizon wireless commercial.
Companies it turns out employ "music researchers" whose sole job it is to find really wonderful or cool tracks and then alert a conglomerate who will use it to push consumer products. I made it my personal mission entering high school to beat them to finding the best songs, else by the time that I came upon them it would be too late and appreciation would forever be tainted in my mind with associations to soft drinks or Nissan Altimas. Every time I find a good song before hearing it in an ad for the first time it's +1 point, every time the marketers find a song first it's -3. (My current score is 1538).
So why was this ♥♥♥ one of your greatest secrets?
On the bus ride home from Minnesota I was shellshocked. My brain had dropped the largest possible dose of chemicals into my pleasure centers all at once it seemed, my hands were shaking... I had never felt anything like this before. I laid my head against a window and realized I could still faintly hear the music as I watched the scenery roll by in the darkness. She was the one. I had to swear to myself that I would never love another as long as I lived. I would do whatever necessary to win her heart and be with forever. VERY DRAMATICALLY.
At this point my logic centers came back online: Didn't EVERYONE swear to love someone forsaking all others for the rest of their lives? Somehow many of these people ended up breaking up or getting divorced later on... "this was likely due to the people mistaking infatuation for true love" my inner-self explained back.
"But how does one tell the difference?"
"It is very hard to tell the difference"
"Still 'we' are smart enough to figure out a way, we owe that much to this girl, where our incorrect moves could potentially ruin the rest of both of our lives."
"On the other hand waiting too long allows for the possibility of her falling in love with someone else... I'm not sure that I would be able to take that."
"However currently we are not in a position of strength. If we wait we can better prepare ourselves to approach her and make her truly happy. ALSO:"
and then a long list was formed. INTPs are noted for doubting their own emotions, it comes from resenting the idea of being controlled; just as I would reflexively rebel against songs used by companies trying to control my actions and thoughts in order to get me to buy candy bars or sneakers my mind resented the implication that millions of years of evolution were now pushing me toward an illogical and undesirable set of actions in order for my genes to be passed on in the name of BABY PRODUCTION.
1. How am I sure that these feelings aren't merely a reflection of hormones being released in my pituitary gland? This is the time of life when most humans become interested in those of the opposite gender, perhaps this event is just some primeval reaction to a timer running out in the head, and now I am going to have experiences like this all of the time whenever someone I find nice or attractive is around...
2. Perhaps these feelings truly reflect man's natural will to hierarchy, to which there is no reason that I would be immune. In a drive for STATUS and ALL OF THE BEST STUFF, I would naturally want the best girl that I could find, abandoning my feelings for her as soon as a better girl came along. I see this girl as the best of all of them and therefore she is targeted as I generally desire the newest films or processors...
3. In 1997 there was a Fred Savage sitcom called "Working" on NBC, where the characters had discussed in one episode a concept called "close-cubicle syndrome", in which the more time you spend with a group of people the more attractive they seem to you as your relative sense of attractiveness was adjusted to your surroundings. Perhaps that was what had suddenly locked itself into my head causing emotional misattribution of reality...
4. Perhaps we each carry within ourselves a mental archetype of the "optimal companion", and the desirability of this girl had simply knocked the previous model out by appearance or action, now, blinded by beauty, it was causing me to believe that I loved her...
5. Perhaps (shudder) Freud was right and the "optimal companion" was one's relatives, in which case somehow this girl was reminding me of some properties or mental artifacts I had acquired from early childhood...
6. Maybe there was something in the hot chocolate, or the hot chocolate reacted to what I had eaten and combined with the cold air (where the molecules of oxygen would be more dense than in warm air, the human brain can get high on high-purity oxygen) and this had caused the illusion of madly falling in love...
7. Maybe developing these feelings were a defense mechanism by my mind to insulate me from the realities of the isolation and exclusion I might have been subconsciously feeling, so to prevent me becoming depressed or highly bored and killing myself- these feelings were an attempt for me to reach out beyond myself as a cry for help...
8. Perhaps love doesn't really exist at all, and these feelings would end with conscious persuasion on my part, just as how when you are really hungry you do not want to in fact eat an entire wedding cake...
9. It's human nature to always want what we cannot have, do I somehow view this person as unattainable? (Generally in my arrogance I assume anyone is within reach given a specific set of circumstances: hard determinism allows for any number of causal sequences leading to any possible outcome)
(and added a bit later) 10. What if feelings of attraction are merely the way of the mind to try to find the traits you most desire in yourself within the people around you?
... and on and on and on. I was first resolved to wait a while to see if these feelings went away naturally, and then I was going to do some serious research on the nature of human attraction psychology and see if I could totally obliterate or replace these emotions, because if I could that would clearly prove that this wasn't truly a life-shaking moment. For both our sakes I wanted to be sure.
Secrecy would allow me time to build the perfect maximally attractive and well-rounded personae with which I could keep her interested and happy through our life together (Totally nerve-wracking as any accidental first contact could form her perceptions in a flash-judgment of me and ruin our chances completely), and so after I verified over a few months that nothing was changing in respect to how I felt I began an aggressive project to become the most self-realized, spiritually centered, physically-fit, and brilliant person I could possibly become, from an introverted gamer into the perfect human.
I would question and test my feelings constantly, and use all of the considerable time and resources available to change myself without letting anyone catch on, it wouldn't be fair to burden my associates with an idea that they could inadvertently let slip if they were distracted and accidentally end up destroying my chance at true happiness against their best intentions. As Anne Boleyn kept King Henry guessing by feigning disinterest, likewise modern relationships potentially end when one is too easily conquered at an early stage causing the "Annie Hall” effect comes into play.
On the bus ride home from Minnesota I was shellshocked. My brain had dropped the largest possible dose of chemicals into my pleasure centers all at once it seemed, my hands were shaking... I had never felt anything like this before. I laid my head against a window and realized I could still faintly hear the music as I watched the scenery roll by in the darkness. She was the one. I had to swear to myself that I would never love another as long as I lived. I would do whatever necessary to win her heart and be with forever. VERY DRAMATICALLY.
At this point my logic centers came back online: Didn't EVERYONE swear to love someone forsaking all others for the rest of their lives? Somehow many of these people ended up breaking up or getting divorced later on... "this was likely due to the people mistaking infatuation for true love" my inner-self explained back.
"But how does one tell the difference?"
"It is very hard to tell the difference"
"Still 'we' are smart enough to figure out a way, we owe that much to this girl, where our incorrect moves could potentially ruin the rest of both of our lives."
"On the other hand waiting too long allows for the possibility of her falling in love with someone else... I'm not sure that I would be able to take that."
"However currently we are not in a position of strength. If we wait we can better prepare ourselves to approach her and make her truly happy. ALSO:"
and then a long list was formed. INTPs are noted for doubting their own emotions, it comes from resenting the idea of being controlled; just as I would reflexively rebel against songs used by companies trying to control my actions and thoughts in order to get me to buy candy bars or sneakers my mind resented the implication that millions of years of evolution were now pushing me toward an illogical and undesirable set of actions in order for my genes to be passed on in the name of BABY PRODUCTION.
1. How am I sure that these feelings aren't merely a reflection of hormones being released in my pituitary gland? This is the time of life when most humans become interested in those of the opposite gender, perhaps this event is just some primeval reaction to a timer running out in the head, and now I am going to have experiences like this all of the time whenever someone I find nice or attractive is around...
2. Perhaps these feelings truly reflect man's natural will to hierarchy, to which there is no reason that I would be immune. In a drive for STATUS and ALL OF THE BEST STUFF, I would naturally want the best girl that I could find, abandoning my feelings for her as soon as a better girl came along. I see this girl as the best of all of them and therefore she is targeted as I generally desire the newest films or processors...
3. In 1997 there was a Fred Savage sitcom called "Working" on NBC, where the characters had discussed in one episode a concept called "close-cubicle syndrome", in which the more time you spend with a group of people the more attractive they seem to you as your relative sense of attractiveness was adjusted to your surroundings. Perhaps that was what had suddenly locked itself into my head causing emotional misattribution of reality...
4. Perhaps we each carry within ourselves a mental archetype of the "optimal companion", and the desirability of this girl had simply knocked the previous model out by appearance or action, now, blinded by beauty, it was causing me to believe that I loved her...
5. Perhaps (shudder) Freud was right and the "optimal companion" was one's relatives, in which case somehow this girl was reminding me of some properties or mental artifacts I had acquired from early childhood...
6. Maybe there was something in the hot chocolate, or the hot chocolate reacted to what I had eaten and combined with the cold air (where the molecules of oxygen would be more dense than in warm air, the human brain can get high on high-purity oxygen) and this had caused the illusion of madly falling in love...
7. Maybe developing these feelings were a defense mechanism by my mind to insulate me from the realities of the isolation and exclusion I might have been subconsciously feeling, so to prevent me becoming depressed or highly bored and killing myself- these feelings were an attempt for me to reach out beyond myself as a cry for help...
8. Perhaps love doesn't really exist at all, and these feelings would end with conscious persuasion on my part, just as how when you are really hungry you do not want to in fact eat an entire wedding cake...
9. It's human nature to always want what we cannot have, do I somehow view this person as unattainable? (Generally in my arrogance I assume anyone is within reach given a specific set of circumstances: hard determinism allows for any number of causal sequences leading to any possible outcome)
(and added a bit later) 10. What if feelings of attraction are merely the way of the mind to try to find the traits you most desire in yourself within the people around you?
... and on and on and on. I was first resolved to wait a while to see if these feelings went away naturally, and then I was going to do some serious research on the nature of human attraction psychology and see if I could totally obliterate or replace these emotions, because if I could that would clearly prove that this wasn't truly a life-shaking moment. For both our sakes I wanted to be sure.
Secrecy would allow me time to build the perfect maximally attractive and well-rounded personae with which I could keep her interested and happy through our life together (Totally nerve-wracking as any accidental first contact could form her perceptions in a flash-judgment of me and ruin our chances completely), and so after I verified over a few months that nothing was changing in respect to how I felt I began an aggressive project to become the most self-realized, spiritually centered, physically-fit, and brilliant person I could possibly become, from an introverted gamer into the perfect human.
I would question and test my feelings constantly, and use all of the considerable time and resources available to change myself without letting anyone catch on, it wouldn't be fair to burden my associates with an idea that they could inadvertently let slip if they were distracted and accidentally end up destroying my chance at true happiness against their best intentions. As Anne Boleyn kept King Henry guessing by feigning disinterest, likewise modern relationships potentially end when one is too easily conquered at an early stage causing the "Annie Hall” effect comes into play.
So what did you do?
Essentially I stopped ignoring reality, as I had till that point utilized escapism to the limits of my imagination. Since it's cold Midwesterners are in a constant war with perception, the non-creative ones stay drunk as much as possible, others share collective fantasies called "Bones", or "House", or "Lie to Me", or "Dancing with the Stars", or "World of Warcraft", etc. and the rest have a variety of other methods at their disposal. Instead of these practices I read the holy books of the twenty-two major religions in human history, I expanded my base of friends by magnitudes and attempted to learn all that I could from my classmates (and verify that I wasn't afraid of women or suffering synecdoche), I made innumerable physical improvements, from the magnetic orientation and slope of the mattress I slept on to how many upside-down sit-ups I could perform in ten minutes, I began meditating and exercising super-emotional awareness, and always adapting tips from science studies and biographies I read that would discuss pitfalls or improvement techniques, while at the same not seeming interested in these things at all.
I was forced to create a Secret Love Philosophy to better understand what was going on within my mind. It totally informs the way I see the world and until now I haven't been able to talk with anyone about it much through the millions of interactions and causal contingencies my brain has run to model alternate explanations for 'why her?' 'what if we had never met?' 'can I say with certainty that no one else will ever come along and stir such emotions?' 'what if there were two identical versions of her?' 'what if I am mad and no one I know is real and she represents something inside myself?’ If I had to choose between saving her life and the life of twenty other people what would SHE want me to do?' Every day more questions like these, since I was too cautious to write down my explanations many likely will be lost to time as I internalized the solutions into my normal behavior patterns, but obviously every relevant political and social issue was examined in the light of trying to make the best possible world for her. As Tolstoy wrote "All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love....".
Essentially I stopped ignoring reality, as I had till that point utilized escapism to the limits of my imagination. Since it's cold Midwesterners are in a constant war with perception, the non-creative ones stay drunk as much as possible, others share collective fantasies called "Bones", or "House", or "Lie to Me", or "Dancing with the Stars", or "World of Warcraft", etc. and the rest have a variety of other methods at their disposal. Instead of these practices I read the holy books of the twenty-two major religions in human history, I expanded my base of friends by magnitudes and attempted to learn all that I could from my classmates (and verify that I wasn't afraid of women or suffering synecdoche), I made innumerable physical improvements, from the magnetic orientation and slope of the mattress I slept on to how many upside-down sit-ups I could perform in ten minutes, I began meditating and exercising super-emotional awareness, and always adapting tips from science studies and biographies I read that would discuss pitfalls or improvement techniques, while at the same not seeming interested in these things at all.
I was forced to create a Secret Love Philosophy to better understand what was going on within my mind. It totally informs the way I see the world and until now I haven't been able to talk with anyone about it much through the millions of interactions and causal contingencies my brain has run to model alternate explanations for 'why her?' 'what if we had never met?' 'can I say with certainty that no one else will ever come along and stir such emotions?' 'what if there were two identical versions of her?' 'what if I am mad and no one I know is real and she represents something inside myself?’ If I had to choose between saving her life and the life of twenty other people what would SHE want me to do?' Every day more questions like these, since I was too cautious to write down my explanations many likely will be lost to time as I internalized the solutions into my normal behavior patterns, but obviously every relevant political and social issue was examined in the light of trying to make the best possible world for her. As Tolstoy wrote "All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love....".
So?
I started knocking away the questions I had posed with lengthy proofs built on the results of hundreds of thought exercises and experiments. As the years went by I tried conditioning myself with unpleasant thoughts or physical discomfort whenever I thought of her, I altered my physiological reactions by not eating or sleeping for long stretches (10 days maximum) to see if I could 'reboot' my system, I tried holding my breath around her in accordance with some of the early pheromone research available at the beginning of the century, later trying long clothing to cease any skin absorption and then after this keeping more than 8 feet between us or long stretches away from her over periods of months during summer vacations, finally downloading leaked CIA and Psych-Ops manuals on brainwashing and adopting techniques of non-permanent damage (later I read that after five days serious and irreversible issues can arise from sleep deprivation, so don't do that).
I exercised till I was numb. I ate forty-two pixie sticks in one sitting on an empty stomach around other girls. I tried seeing her as a secret hermaphrodite. I tried totally ignoring her. I found out she had dated a number of my friends in the past! No effect. She was so tapped into my brain my pleasure centers would associate any nice feeling with her. A light breeze across my face and I can close my eyes and feel her there with me. Any mention of any associated term, no matter how convoluted and a burning warmth spreads through my chest like drinking hot soup from a canteen outside on a cold day. Drug addicts experience much the same with their fixations on chemicals. Research actually shows that those in rehab report significant ease in letting go of drugs when they fall deeply in love, and I was similarly hit by a lessening of all cravings or pain I felt thanks to the powerful neurostimulus... I was able to give up caffeine, game consoles, and cookies with little trouble where others often fail because nothing made me feel like she did.
As is often the case she co-opted the religiosity centers of my brain as well, which was fine. Christianity demands of followers that they love The Messiah more than anything else, and I would gladly burn for eternity rather than choose that over keeping a single memory I have of her. This was not apotheosis however, she clearly had her faults as a human being and where at first I entertained the notion of us existing in perfect agreement all of the time on all issues I realized a much more challenging and obvious truth in my thought. Human relationships inevitably contain conflict, the way this conflict is interpreted as constructive or destructive really makes the difference, and can (while not in my parents' case) strengthen relationships for the better. Everyone makes mistakes and does things that they are not proud of, and likewise my love likes to wear shoes that will make her feet look like this:
buys products not good for the Earth (as we all do), experiences the full range of negative emotions, and was something of an incorrigible flirt actually. I began worrying that she derived her sense of self worth from the power that she was able to hold over men, was she emotionally ready for a serious long-term relationship or was she only capable of the standard high school girl "two month romance and then move on" pattern? Would she psychologically be able to withstand aging or was it going to be "Sunset Boulevard"? I was confident that she would be beautiful even unto the extremes of octogenarianhood, not as an eternal teen queen but in the sense of the poised and elegant woman with an inner light and vitality shining through as that ineffable feature of persistent magnetism, not obsessing over wrinkles and smile lines or opting for horrific plastic surgeries or heavy cosmetics - but then these were the same things I would feel of her were she to become a massively obese person or experience a horrific car accident and have her skin all burned away, the beauty emanating from within was the true essence of her attractiveness, if she was a rotten-toothed peasant girl from the middle ages smelling only of horses and old sweat her grace and confidence would soon overtake her limp, scraggly hair or scabs and calluses. And even if she were struck down by self-hatred or a superficial angst to dissolve such airs was she not still possessed of her wit, sense of humor, compassion, or spirit? What was it that I loved exactly? If she awoke one morning with her body switched with that of a beefy construction worker would I still gladly share all the days of my life with her? Yes. If she went irreparably brain dead and became a mindless vegetable would I still love her? No. At the point where I would come to accept that she was beyond the reach of all research (and many shouldn't actually because brain science is finding a lot of hidden neural activity in some dormant sleepers) the body remaining would survive only as a symbol of what was once her, and from this thought experiment developed my ideas of the nature of the individual. My ethical theories arose from the attempt to see everyone as potentially so-loved individuals
I started knocking away the questions I had posed with lengthy proofs built on the results of hundreds of thought exercises and experiments. As the years went by I tried conditioning myself with unpleasant thoughts or physical discomfort whenever I thought of her, I altered my physiological reactions by not eating or sleeping for long stretches (10 days maximum) to see if I could 'reboot' my system, I tried holding my breath around her in accordance with some of the early pheromone research available at the beginning of the century, later trying long clothing to cease any skin absorption and then after this keeping more than 8 feet between us or long stretches away from her over periods of months during summer vacations, finally downloading leaked CIA and Psych-Ops manuals on brainwashing and adopting techniques of non-permanent damage (later I read that after five days serious and irreversible issues can arise from sleep deprivation, so don't do that).
I exercised till I was numb. I ate forty-two pixie sticks in one sitting on an empty stomach around other girls. I tried seeing her as a secret hermaphrodite. I tried totally ignoring her. I found out she had dated a number of my friends in the past! No effect. She was so tapped into my brain my pleasure centers would associate any nice feeling with her. A light breeze across my face and I can close my eyes and feel her there with me. Any mention of any associated term, no matter how convoluted and a burning warmth spreads through my chest like drinking hot soup from a canteen outside on a cold day. Drug addicts experience much the same with their fixations on chemicals. Research actually shows that those in rehab report significant ease in letting go of drugs when they fall deeply in love, and I was similarly hit by a lessening of all cravings or pain I felt thanks to the powerful neurostimulus... I was able to give up caffeine, game consoles, and cookies with little trouble where others often fail because nothing made me feel like she did.
As is often the case she co-opted the religiosity centers of my brain as well, which was fine. Christianity demands of followers that they love The Messiah more than anything else, and I would gladly burn for eternity rather than choose that over keeping a single memory I have of her. This was not apotheosis however, she clearly had her faults as a human being and where at first I entertained the notion of us existing in perfect agreement all of the time on all issues I realized a much more challenging and obvious truth in my thought. Human relationships inevitably contain conflict, the way this conflict is interpreted as constructive or destructive really makes the difference, and can (while not in my parents' case) strengthen relationships for the better. Everyone makes mistakes and does things that they are not proud of, and likewise my love likes to wear shoes that will make her feet look like this:
Why have you never gone to a strip club?
That is why. These people have lives and passions and disappointments and humanity, no one is a sex object, even if the person really enjoys that illusion on a perverse level and wishes to be seen that way.
I became confident as time went on that true love exists, and that I was sick with it. I've often been accused of overthinking things but in this case especially I was glad that I had taken the time to make sure to the best of my abilities that my emotions weren't like Romeo pining for Rosaline (although he also killed Tybalt, so I doubt his love for Juliet as well with my newer powers of emotional differentiation). In my case I seemed both infatuated AND in love! My mind was sharper than it was (in certain ways especially), I had gained tons of long muscle mass, and benefiting from a unique culture where such things as this are open to discussion:
I now had what seemed to be the truth. Unfortunately thanks to physical improvements other girls were now beginning to focus their attention on me, where I wanted nothing but there friendship and to have them move on to lead happy lives- AND it was becoming increasingly apparent that several of my colleagues (even a few very close friends) were equally focused on my love.
With the girls I tried to strike a balance of light flirting not to hurt anyone’s self esteem and quickly withdrawing if things looked if they were going the way of any serious emotional involvement on their part, I would have really liked to have said "Sorry, you seem very nice and quite eligible but I am absolutely crazy about someone else", but the thing about secrets is that once people guess at their existence or trailers of information sneak out the rest can be easily assumed or cajoled away from even master resistors of interrogation. Also flirting would keep people from wondering a little less why I did not go after anyone, and thus learn too early of my attachment, and most importantly of all it would protect my love from retribution. I certainly did not want to cause any pain to the rest, which is why I consciously made the decision to put on weight during part of high-school while I was working to improve mind and spirit (and several times later) because that has always seemed a good way to kill the interest of the pursuers when mixed with feigned idiocy or boorishness (calculated not to be so noteworthy to find its way back to the ears of my love).
That is why. These people have lives and passions and disappointments and humanity, no one is a sex object, even if the person really enjoys that illusion on a perverse level and wishes to be seen that way.
I became confident as time went on that true love exists, and that I was sick with it. I've often been accused of overthinking things but in this case especially I was glad that I had taken the time to make sure to the best of my abilities that my emotions weren't like Romeo pining for Rosaline (although he also killed Tybalt, so I doubt his love for Juliet as well with my newer powers of emotional differentiation). In my case I seemed both infatuated AND in love! My mind was sharper than it was (in certain ways especially), I had gained tons of long muscle mass, and benefiting from a unique culture where such things as this are open to discussion:
With the girls I tried to strike a balance of light flirting not to hurt anyone’s self esteem and quickly withdrawing if things looked if they were going the way of any serious emotional involvement on their part, I would have really liked to have said "Sorry, you seem very nice and quite eligible but I am absolutely crazy about someone else", but the thing about secrets is that once people guess at their existence or trailers of information sneak out the rest can be easily assumed or cajoled away from even master resistors of interrogation. Also flirting would keep people from wondering a little less why I did not go after anyone, and thus learn too early of my attachment, and most importantly of all it would protect my love from retribution. I certainly did not want to cause any pain to the rest, which is why I consciously made the decision to put on weight during part of high-school while I was working to improve mind and spirit (and several times later) because that has always seemed a good way to kill the interest of the pursuers when mixed with feigned idiocy or boorishness (calculated not to be so noteworthy to find its way back to the ears of my love).
So you aren't really bloviating or bombastic?
Oh no, I really am. I play to my strengths.
With "my competitors" in the class it was frustrating. We seemed to be playing a zero-sum game with no Pareto-optimal moves, I couldn't steer them ethically toward other women I myself found to be less of a match maturity wise, value-wise, or responsibility-wise, and I couldn't sabotage them because to build a relationship on such a dishonorable victory invited the possibility of denying her the best companion
Oh no, I really am. I play to my strengths.
With "my competitors" in the class it was frustrating. We seemed to be playing a zero-sum game with no Pareto-optimal moves, I couldn't steer them ethically toward other women I myself found to be less of a match maturity wise, value-wise, or responsibility-wise, and I couldn't sabotage them because to build a relationship on such a dishonorable victory invited the possibility of denying her the best companion
Wouldn't the best companion be the one willing to guile and deceive themselves above the rest for her hand?
No. The best is the one who can win her heart, look inside oneself, and know that they are there by the powers of their self-determination, hard work, and awesomeness to sustain this connection permanently, not machiavellian "image-management", back-stabbing, or self-serving deception. The best relationships are based on trust (a somewhat universal truth overarching most religions or ethical theories), and trustworthiness is not built upon practicing sabotage.
No. The best is the one who can win her heart, look inside oneself, and know that they are there by the powers of their self-determination, hard work, and awesomeness to sustain this connection permanently, not machiavellian "image-management", back-stabbing, or self-serving deception. The best relationships are based on trust (a somewhat universal truth overarching most religions or ethical theories), and trustworthiness is not built upon practicing sabotage.
Yet total honesty is highly unpractical...
That is not the same thing. I studied a lot of interpersonal communication books (why I am so articulate before you ask) so that I could always speak to the woman I loved without adding extra contextual baggage that I did not want or mean, and that sort of communication ability is important in being able to be honest with someone else without needing to cover up one's intentions out of fear of being misunderstood or reviled, and it also takes courage not to lie, if you are without these things (unless you are hiding something silly like a surprise party) the problem becomes much more complex. I thought of the pact between the suitors of Helen of Troy written by Odysseus and Menelaus before the Trojan War as the best compromise between those seeking a life with the same person, as I still do today.
That is not the same thing. I studied a lot of interpersonal communication books (why I am so articulate before you ask) so that I could always speak to the woman I loved without adding extra contextual baggage that I did not want or mean, and that sort of communication ability is important in being able to be honest with someone else without needing to cover up one's intentions out of fear of being misunderstood or reviled, and it also takes courage not to lie, if you are without these things (unless you are hiding something silly like a surprise party) the problem becomes much more complex. I thought of the pact between the suitors of Helen of Troy written by Odysseus and Menelaus before the Trojan War as the best compromise between those seeking a life with the same person, as I still do today.
What else did you teach yourself?
Reliant on the power of autodidacticism since my family was grossly broken, and the subjects offered at my school were often slow or of little relevance, and my friends were a bit involved with makeouts, SAT prep., cosmic brownies, or band practice to teach me what they knew of life issues for the most part (or they were dealing with problems of their own) I focused on
Survivalism, Basic Medicine, Finance and Money, Relationship Improvement, Etiquette, Her chosen career, ... [I will spare you the multi-page extensive list I wrote]
all for the well-being of my love should these sort of things be called for, and that is why I am stingy and so preoccupied with regenerative immortalism, supervolcanoes, problem-solving puzzles, self-healing pavement free of potholes, the backslide of feminism, etc. not just for her and the welfare of the extended family she cares about, but for everyone's family since many potential life problems have common roots.
I also tried to follow interests outside of her relational Koosh ball of ideas, when you live totally for another person it is easy to lose yourself entirely and be subsumed beneath an ocean of the identity of the other, but to hold an equal partnership I think it is necessary to be separate in some respects in order to contribute a viewpoint or make improvements from an individual perspective, otherwise instead of a companion you become an extra limb.
Reliant on the power of autodidacticism since my family was grossly broken, and the subjects offered at my school were often slow or of little relevance, and my friends were a bit involved with makeouts, SAT prep., cosmic brownies, or band practice to teach me what they knew of life issues for the most part (or they were dealing with problems of their own) I focused on
Survivalism, Basic Medicine, Finance and Money, Relationship Improvement, Etiquette, Her chosen career, ... [I will spare you the multi-page extensive list I wrote]
all for the well-being of my love should these sort of things be called for, and that is why I am stingy and so preoccupied with regenerative immortalism, supervolcanoes, problem-solving puzzles, self-healing pavement free of potholes, the backslide of feminism, etc. not just for her and the welfare of the extended family she cares about, but for everyone's family since many potential life problems have common roots.
I also tried to follow interests outside of her relational Koosh ball of ideas, when you live totally for another person it is easy to lose yourself entirely and be subsumed beneath an ocean of the identity of the other, but to hold an equal partnership I think it is necessary to be separate in some respects in order to contribute a viewpoint or make improvements from an individual perspective, otherwise instead of a companion you become an extra limb.
What happened next?
Synchronicity drove us together endlessly. Some of my friends would remark that my style of texting with emoticons reminded them of her (and I stopped IMing), she was enrolled in many of my classes, (I dropped out of my favorite foreign language and moved to another after Freshman year because I was afraid of that possibility), she would end up sitting in desks next to me frequently and sometimes even be closer than that. I felt this unnecessary of the universe to challenge me with since I still was not talking to her.
When you are obsessed with someone almost everything can remind you of that person, and the brain is quick to draw "mystical connections" like the fellow on Youtube screaming "What does it mean?" at the double-rainbow I would wander the streets at night on foot and sit on the roof of my house to watch the sunrise haunted by her face and the daily coincidences of relentless stochasticity.
Sometimes people would talk about her life right in front of me in highly unlikely ways, the songs that made me think of her would follow me everywhere, I might turn to the home shopping network late at night and wonder "Am I meant to buy this limited-edition (her birth gemstone) necklace for her?" Even her name added up to my two favorite numbers when I checked. I was hiking in the mountains of Colorado by myself once and between a shard of rock and a high boulder I had climbed on top of grew a single flower the exact color of her eyes. I considered myself one of the luckiest people in the world.
Earlier one icy day during a blizzard at fifteen I was on my way home and I lay down on a steep hill on a deserted sidewalk and argued with myself about just falling asleep and killing myself with hypothermia since my life was so filled with this intense passion I would surely have no better time to finish, it is better to kill yourself when you are really happy then really sad I thought (morbid as usual), but after serious consideration I had justified my own existence across several parameters and opted instead for getting up, going home, and making myself some cocoa with marshmallows.
Synchronicity drove us together endlessly. Some of my friends would remark that my style of texting with emoticons reminded them of her (and I stopped IMing), she was enrolled in many of my classes, (I dropped out of my favorite foreign language and moved to another after Freshman year because I was afraid of that possibility), she would end up sitting in desks next to me frequently and sometimes even be closer than that. I felt this unnecessary of the universe to challenge me with since I still was not talking to her.
When you are obsessed with someone almost everything can remind you of that person, and the brain is quick to draw "mystical connections" like the fellow on Youtube screaming "What does it mean?" at the double-rainbow I would wander the streets at night on foot and sit on the roof of my house to watch the sunrise haunted by her face and the daily coincidences of relentless stochasticity.
Sometimes people would talk about her life right in front of me in highly unlikely ways, the songs that made me think of her would follow me everywhere, I might turn to the home shopping network late at night and wonder "Am I meant to buy this limited-edition (her birth gemstone) necklace for her?" Even her name added up to my two favorite numbers when I checked. I was hiking in the mountains of Colorado by myself once and between a shard of rock and a high boulder I had climbed on top of grew a single flower the exact color of her eyes. I considered myself one of the luckiest people in the world.
Earlier one icy day during a blizzard at fifteen I was on my way home and I lay down on a steep hill on a deserted sidewalk and argued with myself about just falling asleep and killing myself with hypothermia since my life was so filled with this intense passion I would surely have no better time to finish, it is better to kill yourself when you are really happy then really sad I thought (morbid as usual), but after serious consideration I had justified my own existence across several parameters and opted instead for getting up, going home, and making myself some cocoa with marshmallows.
How do you justify your own existence?
"I can't commit suicide", my friend JH once would say, "because I am too pretty and smart to die." My life philosophy was contingent on helping my soulmate to achieve her dreams and ambitions. Though just as creating babies carries massive problems and usually is performed for dubious reasons my life will be marked by a disproportionate consumption of the world's resources and wealth, the possibility of easing pain and suffering through her work inspired me on to continue to challenge myself, even if she chose another I could still anonymously send her a million dollars set up in a foundation or save one of her family members from harm. Generations down the road I might bail out her great grand nephew from prison for hacking E. U. headquarters or being framed for counterfeiting digital currency!
While all of this would be fun should I have the means, actions of this sort tend to be mixed blessings in the end, since outside interference in the course of life events exerts unwanted pressures on the relationships and development of the subjects of assistance. People begin to act inadvisably when a figure in the shadows steps in to protect them when they make mistakes in many cases (show psych. studies, or more pointedly the girlfriends of superheroes in comic books), and likewise it is possible to rob people of significant achievement on their own by mothering them. Some happiness research suggests that even friends of friends have significant effects on disposition and attitude through behavioral transmission mechanisms, therefore a colossal variant of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" might be formed depending on how serious I wanted to be in making things good, and how closely does one watch to ensure that the needed aid arrives in time? Better perhaps to spend time cutting down those enemies of all humanity: poverty, war, death, or illness to deliver her and those she likes from farther perils more menacing then having to throw fund-raisers.
Secondly, life is really short. Why cut down what little time we have here on Earth when any pleasure not resulting in the harm or degradation of yourself or others is still possible? J. S. Mill and Jeremy Bentham wrote quite a bit on the subject of such things and research would seem to indicate when depressed people are unable to kill themselves because they are too lethargic, it is only when they begin coming out of depression that they usually end themselves, and while it's true that we all harm each other to a great degree we can also inspire, enlighten, entertain, and hippolate.
Then also for the cynics there is always the possibility that your attempt at killing yourself will fail, and instead you will live on severely damaged and in great pain for an extended period, decades even. There are some stories I know of human resilience or luck (like this one recently) where shooting, drowning, hanging, poison, train jumping, immolation, etc. end up creating a much worse situation for the actor. Suicide cocktails by lethal injection have been suggested to be incredibly painful for their receiver, and the brain shows in the average human 37 hours of electrical wave signal activity after the heart and organs cease to function.
"I can't commit suicide", my friend JH once would say, "because I am too pretty and smart to die." My life philosophy was contingent on helping my soulmate to achieve her dreams and ambitions. Though just as creating babies carries massive problems and usually is performed for dubious reasons my life will be marked by a disproportionate consumption of the world's resources and wealth, the possibility of easing pain and suffering through her work inspired me on to continue to challenge myself, even if she chose another I could still anonymously send her a million dollars set up in a foundation or save one of her family members from harm. Generations down the road I might bail out her great grand nephew from prison for hacking E. U. headquarters or being framed for counterfeiting digital currency!
While all of this would be fun should I have the means, actions of this sort tend to be mixed blessings in the end, since outside interference in the course of life events exerts unwanted pressures on the relationships and development of the subjects of assistance. People begin to act inadvisably when a figure in the shadows steps in to protect them when they make mistakes in many cases (show psych. studies, or more pointedly the girlfriends of superheroes in comic books), and likewise it is possible to rob people of significant achievement on their own by mothering them. Some happiness research suggests that even friends of friends have significant effects on disposition and attitude through behavioral transmission mechanisms, therefore a colossal variant of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" might be formed depending on how serious I wanted to be in making things good, and how closely does one watch to ensure that the needed aid arrives in time? Better perhaps to spend time cutting down those enemies of all humanity: poverty, war, death, or illness to deliver her and those she likes from farther perils more menacing then having to throw fund-raisers.
Secondly, life is really short. Why cut down what little time we have here on Earth when any pleasure not resulting in the harm or degradation of yourself or others is still possible? J. S. Mill and Jeremy Bentham wrote quite a bit on the subject of such things and research would seem to indicate when depressed people are unable to kill themselves because they are too lethargic, it is only when they begin coming out of depression that they usually end themselves, and while it's true that we all harm each other to a great degree we can also inspire, enlighten, entertain, and hippolate.
Then also for the cynics there is always the possibility that your attempt at killing yourself will fail, and instead you will live on severely damaged and in great pain for an extended period, decades even. There are some stories I know of human resilience or luck (like this one recently) where shooting, drowning, hanging, poison, train jumping, immolation, etc. end up creating a much worse situation for the actor. Suicide cocktails by lethal injection have been suggested to be incredibly painful for their receiver, and the brain shows in the average human 37 hours of electrical wave signal activity after the heart and organs cease to function.
If the love of your life meets an untimely death are you going to dig up her body and chop her head off to be cryogenically frozen?
I would never do anything like that without the permission of her family. I am not a grave robber, and if they refuse I think that she would want their wishes (or her own) to be respected. The science of cryonics has not yet met satisfactory levels of success anyway, and if they ever do in the decades to come I doubt it will be easy to reverse embalming processes or keep the head alive without a full-body prosthetic we do not have or within a computer mainframe we do not have. Therefore the freeze would be a long one, preferably with her full body, which I would gladly pay for, and why not her friends, family, favorite actors, musicians, performers, and writers as well if I could be a mega-wealthy tycoon with the sort of liquidity I was just speaking out against before. Yet many of these individuals are dedicated "old-school" Christians who feel their place after natural death is the afterlife, and not an Earthly resurrection before the second coming- and not to respect this choice in when they wish to stop living is highly disrespectful of their personhood, even if it could be viewed from the futurist perspective as a sort of voluntary suicide.
Plus would one prefer to be frozen to be brought back in the future (if the ability ever develops) when instead with the same money the greatest scientist or leader in the world could be preserved to continue on their struggle? A great deal will depend on the societal context of freezing people and how standard the practice is, currently all the future is getting is Walt Disney.
I would never do anything like that without the permission of her family. I am not a grave robber, and if they refuse I think that she would want their wishes (or her own) to be respected. The science of cryonics has not yet met satisfactory levels of success anyway, and if they ever do in the decades to come I doubt it will be easy to reverse embalming processes or keep the head alive without a full-body prosthetic we do not have or within a computer mainframe we do not have. Therefore the freeze would be a long one, preferably with her full body, which I would gladly pay for, and why not her friends, family, favorite actors, musicians, performers, and writers as well if I could be a mega-wealthy tycoon with the sort of liquidity I was just speaking out against before. Yet many of these individuals are dedicated "old-school" Christians who feel their place after natural death is the afterlife, and not an Earthly resurrection before the second coming- and not to respect this choice in when they wish to stop living is highly disrespectful of their personhood, even if it could be viewed from the futurist perspective as a sort of voluntary suicide.
Plus would one prefer to be frozen to be brought back in the future (if the ability ever develops) when instead with the same money the greatest scientist or leader in the world could be preserved to continue on their struggle? A great deal will depend on the societal context of freezing people and how standard the practice is, currently all the future is getting is Walt Disney.
Would you wrap yourself around her skeleton then and starve to death like Quasimodo?
The thought would be very tempting, but once again I think what she would want is to have the people she has known in life to live on to fight against the problems of the world. She could continue on causally as a force through their actions, even in the case where no one else cares about that surviving person (which you the reader may one day feel in your life after losing the person that you care about the most), or the surviving person does not care about the people who still care about them in comparison to the loss they have suffered, which is often the case where elderly couples soon follow after one another in mortality.
The thought would be very tempting, but once again I think what she would want is to have the people she has known in life to live on to fight against the problems of the world. She could continue on causally as a force through their actions, even in the case where no one else cares about that surviving person (which you the reader may one day feel in your life after losing the person that you care about the most), or the surviving person does not care about the people who still care about them in comparison to the loss they have suffered, which is often the case where elderly couples soon follow after one another in mortality.
Wouldn't causal reactions occur from the dead person's life irregardless of the continued attempts of others?
Yes but the probabilities of certain events change from the prospective of the observer according to the form taken by destiny, and some like the temporal physicist Yakir Ahoranov wish to go farther than that.
Yes but the probabilities of certain events change from the prospective of the observer according to the form taken by destiny, and some like the temporal physicist Yakir Ahoranov wish to go farther than that.
Have you implemented these justifications in your own life already?
In a way I have, though not because I was thinking about killing myself. By late high school I began approaching the endgame of my plan. I had verified to myself I was not deluding myself, I was no only in love with the idea of my love, and even that I could visit such places as flashy Italian discothèques and remain unswayed in my relentless heterosexuality :-D (simple thought experimentation made it pretty obvious, but this could have been a learned reaction ingrained from a neoconservative upbringing!).
I was much improved, and it seemed as though she was actually becoming interested in me, her reactions were different when I was around and she demanded that one of her friends introduce us formally since we never seemed to talk much, and then she quickly invited me to hang out with her friends. She was doing the same with others of my colleagues however so any number of interpretations were possible, still this represented an amazing opportunity to bring things forward and finally act- I was very nervous as I looked myself over one last time before meeting up with the group (in a mirrored column at the North Grand Mall). I started running a fast overview-check of the entire history since the ski trip to ensure that I was really ready and that I hadn't forgotten anything, and that's when something stopped me dead... At this critical point as we were becoming closer I realized that even as hard as I had worked to perfect myself over YEARS for her, that I was never going to be fully able to purge myself of my deepest laziness, cruelty, ignorance, and banality- and thus I had to let her find someone better than myself and protect her at all cost from the risk I posed as an individual to her chance at prosperity and well-being!
While I loved her deeply and felt that I really understood her, that did not mean that we should be together if there were better people she could be with, and those people bested me even at my fullest potential. My dreams of our life together had consumed me, but love was about to win the final battle over infatuation, because I realized in that moment that her happiness, health, safety, and freedom were worth every sacrifice I could make, even if it meant that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
In a way I have, though not because I was thinking about killing myself. By late high school I began approaching the endgame of my plan. I had verified to myself I was not deluding myself, I was no only in love with the idea of my love, and even that I could visit such places as flashy Italian discothèques and remain unswayed in my relentless heterosexuality :-D (simple thought experimentation made it pretty obvious, but this could have been a learned reaction ingrained from a neoconservative upbringing!).
I was much improved, and it seemed as though she was actually becoming interested in me, her reactions were different when I was around and she demanded that one of her friends introduce us formally since we never seemed to talk much, and then she quickly invited me to hang out with her friends. She was doing the same with others of my colleagues however so any number of interpretations were possible, still this represented an amazing opportunity to bring things forward and finally act- I was very nervous as I looked myself over one last time before meeting up with the group (in a mirrored column at the North Grand Mall). I started running a fast overview-check of the entire history since the ski trip to ensure that I was really ready and that I hadn't forgotten anything, and that's when something stopped me dead... At this critical point as we were becoming closer I realized that even as hard as I had worked to perfect myself over YEARS for her, that I was never going to be fully able to purge myself of my deepest laziness, cruelty, ignorance, and banality- and thus I had to let her find someone better than myself and protect her at all cost from the risk I posed as an individual to her chance at prosperity and well-being!
While I loved her deeply and felt that I really understood her, that did not mean that we should be together if there were better people she could be with, and those people bested me even at my fullest potential. My dreams of our life together had consumed me, but love was about to win the final battle over infatuation, because I realized in that moment that her happiness, health, safety, and freedom were worth every sacrifice I could make, even if it meant that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
What?!
I was shaken too, I had somehow kept myself from looking at things through this perspective all along, but now like an out-of-body experience I was horrified watching myself through time trying to draw closer to her when there were obviously going to be better candidates later in her life to match her. It was sort of sad in a way, but what if I had continued on and won her heart only to wake up one morning in the far future with her to realize this too late? I had stopped myself on the very edge of insanity. What had I been thinking?! The INTP pages mention how often people of my personality type are able to stop an undertaking knowing that they could go on to be excellent in the given field and I believe a similar mechanism arrived at that point to disabuse me of my thoughtlessness, not because I was satisfied I could move forward to be the best man for her but because I was satisfied totally that I could not. It is as if the ghosts of her ancient ancestors reached out to me and told me to go fuck off.
I made excuses and left the gathering before she arrived. The course of action was very clear, where I had moved before to focus on our life connections I now needed to withdraw in much the same way as I had attempted to avoid her in the past, dropping out of musicals in which she was involved, destroying my chance to be elected as dance king, forcing myself to gain weight past healthiness once again, and pulling apart other things as quickly as possible. The secrecy and caution of my inner life gave me a great gift, with my intelligence and perseverance I could cause her to forget me completely, she had no idea how I felt about her and she could move on fully without the need to ever look back. Any feelings she may of had toward me were irrelevant. This then required extreme vigilance that the truth should never reach her ears.
I was shaken too, I had somehow kept myself from looking at things through this perspective all along, but now like an out-of-body experience I was horrified watching myself through time trying to draw closer to her when there were obviously going to be better candidates later in her life to match her. It was sort of sad in a way, but what if I had continued on and won her heart only to wake up one morning in the far future with her to realize this too late? I had stopped myself on the very edge of insanity. What had I been thinking?! The INTP pages mention how often people of my personality type are able to stop an undertaking knowing that they could go on to be excellent in the given field and I believe a similar mechanism arrived at that point to disabuse me of my thoughtlessness, not because I was satisfied I could move forward to be the best man for her but because I was satisfied totally that I could not. It is as if the ghosts of her ancient ancestors reached out to me and told me to go fuck off.
I made excuses and left the gathering before she arrived. The course of action was very clear, where I had moved before to focus on our life connections I now needed to withdraw in much the same way as I had attempted to avoid her in the past, dropping out of musicals in which she was involved, destroying my chance to be elected as dance king, forcing myself to gain weight past healthiness once again, and pulling apart other things as quickly as possible. The secrecy and caution of my inner life gave me a great gift, with my intelligence and perseverance I could cause her to forget me completely, she had no idea how I felt about her and she could move on fully without the need to ever look back. Any feelings she may of had toward me were irrelevant. This then required extreme vigilance that the truth should never reach her ears.
Would you have been able to live with yourself if you had tried and failed? Perhaps this self-doubt arose as way to protect yourself!
I was not afraid of failing, I was afraid of succeeding. It is really terrifying to consider the idea that you have taken away the life or rightful opportunities someone you love deserves or normally would have, in fact I think that this is my greatest fear. Naturally I would never want to cause her the pain of a failed relationship but those can be learning experiences, I saw physical evidence within myself that I do not belong in a relationship with anyone, it is like the "positive illusions" fell away and I was able to see my nature with total clarity separate from my ego. Even as she instilled in me a serious self-discipline I never had before, better empathy, a love for humanity, and any number of other traits I was a bowl molded from clay, whereas some could be sculpted from diamond.
I was not afraid of failing, I was afraid of succeeding. It is really terrifying to consider the idea that you have taken away the life or rightful opportunities someone you love deserves or normally would have, in fact I think that this is my greatest fear. Naturally I would never want to cause her the pain of a failed relationship but those can be learning experiences, I saw physical evidence within myself that I do not belong in a relationship with anyone, it is like the "positive illusions" fell away and I was able to see my nature with total clarity separate from my ego. Even as she instilled in me a serious self-discipline I never had before, better empathy, a love for humanity, and any number of other traits I was a bowl molded from clay, whereas some could be sculpted from diamond.
Example?
The "Big Five" personality test might serve as a good example. People are rated on Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism, and these values tend to remain constant throughout the life of the individual. The two most covariant with healthy relationships are Agreeableness and Neuroticism, the lower these are the better. I score at the end maximum of openness because I am inquisitive, but with all of the other values I am near the middle, neither agreeable nor non-agreeable, neither neurotic nor non-neurotic.
The "Big Five" personality test might serve as a good example. People are rated on Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism, and these values tend to remain constant throughout the life of the individual. The two most covariant with healthy relationships are Agreeableness and Neuroticism, the lower these are the better. I score at the end maximum of openness because I am inquisitive, but with all of the other values I am near the middle, neither agreeable nor non-agreeable, neither neurotic nor non-neurotic.
Isn't it rational to be that way?
Behavioral science would seem to suggest that being bothered by problems (or seeing the downside of reality) as a rational person has nothing to do with being successful in a relationship. The ability to see negative outcomes or dangers to a couple's behavior also brings with it more unwarranted suspicions or discouragement that happy-go-lucky people falling into traps outweigh in the case of bad consequences with sunshine and smiley faces. Similarly conservatives are rated "more sane" than liberals by studies for being happily oblivious to inherent prejudice, suffering, or most other social problems, and while this leads populations down the road to cataclysm, it will be a very positive cataclysm, since America is the greatest nation in the world and rarely does anything wrong. Who would question that?
Behavioral science would seem to suggest that being bothered by problems (or seeing the downside of reality) as a rational person has nothing to do with being successful in a relationship. The ability to see negative outcomes or dangers to a couple's behavior also brings with it more unwarranted suspicions or discouragement that happy-go-lucky people falling into traps outweigh in the case of bad consequences with sunshine and smiley faces. Similarly conservatives are rated "more sane" than liberals by studies for being happily oblivious to inherent prejudice, suffering, or most other social problems, and while this leads populations down the road to cataclysm, it will be a very positive cataclysm, since America is the greatest nation in the world and rarely does anything wrong. Who would question that?
But this is based on self report measures and you blame yourself for not adopting thirty El Salvadorian child gang-members with post traumatic stress disorder, or scrubbing oil-covered seals with your only toothbrush
Charitable giving can become a need, as the donator begins requiring their self image to be buoyed repeatedly for another fix of "the warm fuzzies". They will give and rob their families, they will give and destroy their finances, they will give and harm their own well-being in order to continue feeling better about themselves. Unluckily for the El Salvadorian child gang-members with post-traumatic stress disorder of the world I am not such a person. The little I give or volunteer has almost no effect or real cost to myself, and while it is true that I feel as a capable person that I am partly responsible for the failures of our respective politeia, it stands to reason that the reflected self-image in B5 is the one that actually makes the difference. It is not a relative measure against the other test-takers but an absolute that I in all of my serpiginous sophrosyneity still carry as encumberment.
Charitable giving can become a need, as the donator begins requiring their self image to be buoyed repeatedly for another fix of "the warm fuzzies". They will give and rob their families, they will give and destroy their finances, they will give and harm their own well-being in order to continue feeling better about themselves. Unluckily for the El Salvadorian child gang-members with post-traumatic stress disorder of the world I am not such a person. The little I give or volunteer has almost no effect or real cost to myself, and while it is true that I feel as a capable person that I am partly responsible for the failures of our respective politeia, it stands to reason that the reflected self-image in B5 is the one that actually makes the difference. It is not a relative measure against the other test-takers but an absolute that I in all of my serpiginous sophrosyneity still carry as encumberment.
Even so as a hard determinist you must acknowledge the odds of someone at bad levels still being able to carry out social intercourse with a significant level of self-satisfaction or constructive influence...
Humans are social beings. I am more solivagant than most and will not live with the danger of such things in the probability field, but I will begrudge no one else of their attempt if they want to be mumpsimus. My life is predicated on the very hope that I one day might do something worth more than just giving up and donating my cadaver to science. B5 is but a randomly chosen example of a greater awareness of my shortfalls however, I hadn't taken that test at the time when I began to withdraw, it came out of seeing my poor behavior as a child or teenager and owning up to the fact that my flaws were a serious and permanent part of my person, and that they could not be blamed on the behavior of others when I was impressionable so much as the decisions I had made myself and continue to make even now that disadvantage me in respect to better individuals.
According to a recent study from DePauw University adults with the biggest grins in their college yearbook pictures were up to five times less likely to be divorced decades later than those who looked less happy. No matter how well my life might be going my enjoyment is always touched upon somewhat by thoughts of state executions of the innocent, anorexic pre-teens, the night janitor in a building I used to study in on occasion who would almost burst into tears upon seeing me because he was so lonely and almost never spoke to anyone, all manner of such things- I really appreciate sensual pleasures thanks to my heightened awareness, so for me taking a hot shower or feeling a very soft blanket are more intense or pronounced experiences in the sense of Epicureanism (with Mill probably the two philosophers who have had the biggest indirect impact on my life), but gloomy shadows remain in the back of my mind. As they should! The world is a sad place in some respects.
Humans are social beings. I am more solivagant than most and will not live with the danger of such things in the probability field, but I will begrudge no one else of their attempt if they want to be mumpsimus. My life is predicated on the very hope that I one day might do something worth more than just giving up and donating my cadaver to science. B5 is but a randomly chosen example of a greater awareness of my shortfalls however, I hadn't taken that test at the time when I began to withdraw, it came out of seeing my poor behavior as a child or teenager and owning up to the fact that my flaws were a serious and permanent part of my person, and that they could not be blamed on the behavior of others when I was impressionable so much as the decisions I had made myself and continue to make even now that disadvantage me in respect to better individuals.
According to a recent study from DePauw University adults with the biggest grins in their college yearbook pictures were up to five times less likely to be divorced decades later than those who looked less happy. No matter how well my life might be going my enjoyment is always touched upon somewhat by thoughts of state executions of the innocent, anorexic pre-teens, the night janitor in a building I used to study in on occasion who would almost burst into tears upon seeing me because he was so lonely and almost never spoke to anyone, all manner of such things- I really appreciate sensual pleasures thanks to my heightened awareness, so for me taking a hot shower or feeling a very soft blanket are more intense or pronounced experiences in the sense of Epicureanism (with Mill probably the two philosophers who have had the biggest indirect impact on my life), but gloomy shadows remain in the back of my mind. As they should! The world is a sad place in some respects.
You are "a worrier", a negative nancy...
Curiosity drives me to seek out that which our society goes to such great lengths to hide from itself, because of this even as a strict pacifist I have become almost totally desensitized to witnessing violence. I've watched records of a man eating a miscarried fetus, decapitations and stonings, non-anesthetized and unnecessary surgeries, I've played computer games where the only goal is to cut your own hand off with a paper slicer! All to unearth that forbidden truth that the insulated bubbles we build do not reflect reality. "Young Goodman Brown" may have ruined his own life with the doubts that plagued him, but once those doubts are confirmed and you see that idyllic nature might be predicated upon human slavery or infecting thousands of mentally-ill Guatemalans with sexually transmitted diseases, it allows you to be more appreciative of all of those instances of beauty in a world equally populated by darkness, and more presciently affords a great deal of power to the ideation of the student.
Curiosity drives me to seek out that which our society goes to such great lengths to hide from itself, because of this even as a strict pacifist I have become almost totally desensitized to witnessing violence. I've watched records of a man eating a miscarried fetus, decapitations and stonings, non-anesthetized and unnecessary surgeries, I've played computer games where the only goal is to cut your own hand off with a paper slicer! All to unearth that forbidden truth that the insulated bubbles we build do not reflect reality. "Young Goodman Brown" may have ruined his own life with the doubts that plagued him, but once those doubts are confirmed and you see that idyllic nature might be predicated upon human slavery or infecting thousands of mentally-ill Guatemalans with sexually transmitted diseases, it allows you to be more appreciative of all of those instances of beauty in a world equally populated by darkness, and more presciently affords a great deal of power to the ideation of the student.
What about praying for all of those suffering people in the world?
Science would seem to indicate prayer for someone you are not close to actually carries a NEGATIVE statistical affect. That may be because the studies are flawed, in reality prayer or transcendental meditation on peace are only worth the change they create in the behavior of the people doing them, and that people are more likely to pray for someone else outside their sphere when they are in dire trouble anyway and more likely to die or become dysfunctional... or alternatively that the creator of the universe is either mean or really dedicated to testing the faith of followers
Science would seem to indicate prayer for someone you are not close to actually carries a NEGATIVE statistical affect. That may be because the studies are flawed, in reality prayer or transcendental meditation on peace are only worth the change they create in the behavior of the people doing them, and that people are more likely to pray for someone else outside their sphere when they are in dire trouble anyway and more likely to die or become dysfunctional... or alternatively that the creator of the universe is either mean or really dedicated to testing the faith of followers
What character out of all books, films and theater reminds you the most of yourself?
Director Hummel from Strindberg's "Ghost Sonata"
Not for his sexual indiscretions but his mind, the way he learns things and then wishes to use the ensuing knowledge for twisted and self-serving purposes. Hummel is a manipulative and life-sucking puppet master who murders and aggressively steals information to achieve anything that he desires. Without a few experiences changing the path of least resistance in my life I would be exactly like him... or am I exactly like him now?
Director Hummel from Strindberg's "Ghost Sonata"
Not for his sexual indiscretions but his mind, the way he learns things and then wishes to use the ensuing knowledge for twisted and self-serving purposes. Hummel is a manipulative and life-sucking puppet master who murders and aggressively steals information to achieve anything that he desires. Without a few experiences changing the path of least resistance in my life I would be exactly like him... or am I exactly like him now?
How did the withdrawal go during high-school go?
I worried that I was too late and that the woman I love would not be able to forget me. LUCKILY I am not that unforgettable. She moved on and I was soon hearing stories of her making out with a hockey player from a classmate who always spread the most horrible rumors about she and everyone else. He had gone out with her previously and decried her as stupid and arrogant, which made me wonder if he was being truthful from his perspective, he knew that I liked her and was after her still (or now me) or merely had the desire to be tied to a tree and fed to the local carnivorous wildlife. I was a bit destroyed senior year, every time my friend NP or anyone else mentioned her I became wracked with despair.
Physiologists denote three stages to love and I was VERY aware of the research on all of this, and had noted that through the late days of high school a fluctuation sometimes occurred where instead of feeling constantly reminded of her I had spells of stark lucidity... except periodically it would feel like my heart was being torn out with a metal claw fashioned from farming implements tied together with barbed wire and fiberglass whenever I thought about losing her or her being hurt, but the body was never designed to continue on in stage two, because the body can't handle being constantly soaked with adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin, so this third stage must have been attachment.
Attachment stages didn't last that long, I got into the habit of falling to my knees whenever I was out walking in the wild if the pain began. I didn't want to push my friends away suddenly as though something obviously were wrong so instead I tried to subtly decrease the quality and amount of time we spent together, some of them began hanging out with her more (perhaps because she was still trying to get to me), so I said goodbye to them in my own way in the time before graduation knowing it would be many years before I would ever be able to speak to them again.
It was bothering to think that likewise their friendship might be better spent on someone with higher attributes than myself, especially during the critical period of initial career-finding and mate-bonding our species undergoes. By being alone all of the time to stay under the radar and disappear that my love might find HER soulmate I was going to set a very bad example, and likewise because I would certainly now NEVER drink in case secrets began spilling out of me as many of my friends had drunkenly confessed their love for girl A or B to me, I wasn't going to be much fun and might make the others feel bad for being a downer or sobrietous loon.
There was also the chance that some other girl was going to fall in love with me and seek revenge on this woman, or my domineering family would attack her in an attempt to preserve 'the sacred lineage of kings', and thus there might have been anonymous tips to the police that she was stealing money, cyber-bullying, work complaints, dead kittens mailed to her in unmarked packages and calls to her from payphones in the early hours of the morning. ALSO people just generally seem to hate unrequited love in our culture of immediate gratification
even though maybe 98% of the population has loved someone this way, one is considered weak for 'not winning the day', look at how this woman is attacked in the comments after confessing something similar!
I was confident that it was still possible to live a fun and exciting life without having another person there. We watched a film in health class in seventh grade on relationships and near the middle they interviewed an old woman in an enormous safari helmet twice the size of her head discussing how she had had a great life never being married. One day I will find a similar helm for myself. It was decided that I would become a merry recluse.
My problem came back to how I was going to live without her, was I seriously going to be able to spend the rest of my life never seeing her again? Guides for widows or widowers generally counsel a grieving period and then readmittance into dating life. I thought it more likely that I would begin talking to myself as if she were there, like the old woman in the play "White Elephant", Qays ibn al-Mulawwah or how Dante Alighieri spoke to Beatrice through his work.
She hugged me when we said goodbye for the last time, although I saw her once after that standing in line for a movie with a boy.
So then college began and I had a few choices to make. Should I lie and claim to have had hundreds of past girlfriends? Should I tell a few new friends any of my story, and strangest of all as a dilemma of our new century: what was life going to be like with the internet? I have never wanted to be "A Creeper". In the entire time I have loved her I have never snuck around her house as a peeping Tom, stolen her things, spied on her, or any action of that sort because the boundary between "total romantic obsession" and "total crazy freak" is a very thin one, and once again I don't think as someone with her best interests at heart I would want to cause her the discomfort of AN INSANE STALKER DUDE.
I resolved after high school to only look her up on the internet once every two months, just to make sure that she was OK. Still, I can take a little bit of information and learn a lot from it, like the inferences I was able to draw about her dreams just from knowing one of her favorite movies, there would have to be some rules. The months went by and the basic information available changed very little between check-ins, (I resolved absolutely not to get on Facebook, even with an inaccessible profile the risk would be too great, especially with many of my friends interacting with her regularly) so as I tried to learn just a bit more in the limited timeframe I allowed myself I began reading some stuff of her father's online, summaries of places her mother was visiting, looking at where she worked on Google Street View imagining nearby restaurants she might have visited and stores she may have gone inside. (None of this with insane or nefarious intent, I just wanted to feel close to her and better understand how she was doing) BUT firstly I worried that Google might accidentally release search histories again and secondly that I was taking things too far even just a few hours a year.
Women began throwing themselves at me. I was automatically nominated for "The Ten Most Eligible Bachelors" of my school in the first week by the college newspaper, to which my mental response was 'uh oh'. This was not because I was so wonderful a person but because I project a confident disinterest predicated on not wanting to sleep with anyone that women find intriguing- because if I was not interested in them it meant that I might be better than them (when in fact the reality was that I considered myself much worse and therefore ineligible). It wasn't that none of the women after me were unattractive or non-fascinating, some outside observer might objectively rate several of them higher than my love in those categories, but to me it was not, and is not the same thing at all. After traveling around the world meeting many, many desirable women to me she still seems the best, not the most compassionate, talented, vibrant, or appealing on any measurable scale, but within my heart. When you are deeply in love with someone being approached by another person is like hearing your favorite song being covered by a band in a different genre with too much enthusiasm.
Still, was not fair to reject these women with lame or disingenuous excuses so mainly I tried to stall my way through a semester or seem as oblivious or non-committal as possible, or just make myself unhealthy or crude again for a while, then I would move to a new dorm or class or city and try not to be noticed. I met some really cool friends who were either pretty settled in their life or not really worrying about such things, and also kept speaking to people on isolated web forums closed off from the rest of the internet when I could. I varied details of my past as an experiment to see which relationships would be best served by which information, to which I apologize to everyone. It was my assumption that had you known everything you would be OK with me making up stuff to cover the information I didn't want to get out for the best interest of the girl I cared about, myself, those other women who would be hurt by news of my past since this meant a rather devastating rejection, and also the cast of several soap operas who would suddenly be fired to make room produce all of this for daytime television.
I worried that I was too late and that the woman I love would not be able to forget me. LUCKILY I am not that unforgettable. She moved on and I was soon hearing stories of her making out with a hockey player from a classmate who always spread the most horrible rumors about she and everyone else. He had gone out with her previously and decried her as stupid and arrogant, which made me wonder if he was being truthful from his perspective, he knew that I liked her and was after her still (or now me) or merely had the desire to be tied to a tree and fed to the local carnivorous wildlife. I was a bit destroyed senior year, every time my friend NP or anyone else mentioned her I became wracked with despair.
Physiologists denote three stages to love and I was VERY aware of the research on all of this, and had noted that through the late days of high school a fluctuation sometimes occurred where instead of feeling constantly reminded of her I had spells of stark lucidity... except periodically it would feel like my heart was being torn out with a metal claw fashioned from farming implements tied together with barbed wire and fiberglass whenever I thought about losing her or her being hurt, but the body was never designed to continue on in stage two, because the body can't handle being constantly soaked with adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin, so this third stage must have been attachment.
Attachment stages didn't last that long, I got into the habit of falling to my knees whenever I was out walking in the wild if the pain began. I didn't want to push my friends away suddenly as though something obviously were wrong so instead I tried to subtly decrease the quality and amount of time we spent together, some of them began hanging out with her more (perhaps because she was still trying to get to me), so I said goodbye to them in my own way in the time before graduation knowing it would be many years before I would ever be able to speak to them again.
It was bothering to think that likewise their friendship might be better spent on someone with higher attributes than myself, especially during the critical period of initial career-finding and mate-bonding our species undergoes. By being alone all of the time to stay under the radar and disappear that my love might find HER soulmate I was going to set a very bad example, and likewise because I would certainly now NEVER drink in case secrets began spilling out of me as many of my friends had drunkenly confessed their love for girl A or B to me, I wasn't going to be much fun and might make the others feel bad for being a downer or sobrietous loon.
There was also the chance that some other girl was going to fall in love with me and seek revenge on this woman, or my domineering family would attack her in an attempt to preserve 'the sacred lineage of kings', and thus there might have been anonymous tips to the police that she was stealing money, cyber-bullying, work complaints, dead kittens mailed to her in unmarked packages and calls to her from payphones in the early hours of the morning. ALSO people just generally seem to hate unrequited love in our culture of immediate gratification
even though maybe 98% of the population has loved someone this way, one is considered weak for 'not winning the day', look at how this woman is attacked in the comments after confessing something similar!
I was confident that it was still possible to live a fun and exciting life without having another person there. We watched a film in health class in seventh grade on relationships and near the middle they interviewed an old woman in an enormous safari helmet twice the size of her head discussing how she had had a great life never being married. One day I will find a similar helm for myself. It was decided that I would become a merry recluse.
My problem came back to how I was going to live without her, was I seriously going to be able to spend the rest of my life never seeing her again? Guides for widows or widowers generally counsel a grieving period and then readmittance into dating life. I thought it more likely that I would begin talking to myself as if she were there, like the old woman in the play "White Elephant", Qays ibn al-Mulawwah or how Dante Alighieri spoke to Beatrice through his work.
She hugged me when we said goodbye for the last time, although I saw her once after that standing in line for a movie with a boy.
So then college began and I had a few choices to make. Should I lie and claim to have had hundreds of past girlfriends? Should I tell a few new friends any of my story, and strangest of all as a dilemma of our new century: what was life going to be like with the internet? I have never wanted to be "A Creeper". In the entire time I have loved her I have never snuck around her house as a peeping Tom, stolen her things, spied on her, or any action of that sort because the boundary between "total romantic obsession" and "total crazy freak" is a very thin one, and once again I don't think as someone with her best interests at heart I would want to cause her the discomfort of AN INSANE STALKER DUDE.
I resolved after high school to only look her up on the internet once every two months, just to make sure that she was OK. Still, I can take a little bit of information and learn a lot from it, like the inferences I was able to draw about her dreams just from knowing one of her favorite movies, there would have to be some rules. The months went by and the basic information available changed very little between check-ins, (I resolved absolutely not to get on Facebook, even with an inaccessible profile the risk would be too great, especially with many of my friends interacting with her regularly) so as I tried to learn just a bit more in the limited timeframe I allowed myself I began reading some stuff of her father's online, summaries of places her mother was visiting, looking at where she worked on Google Street View imagining nearby restaurants she might have visited and stores she may have gone inside. (None of this with insane or nefarious intent, I just wanted to feel close to her and better understand how she was doing) BUT firstly I worried that Google might accidentally release search histories again and secondly that I was taking things too far even just a few hours a year.
Women began throwing themselves at me. I was automatically nominated for "The Ten Most Eligible Bachelors" of my school in the first week by the college newspaper, to which my mental response was 'uh oh'. This was not because I was so wonderful a person but because I project a confident disinterest predicated on not wanting to sleep with anyone that women find intriguing- because if I was not interested in them it meant that I might be better than them (when in fact the reality was that I considered myself much worse and therefore ineligible). It wasn't that none of the women after me were unattractive or non-fascinating, some outside observer might objectively rate several of them higher than my love in those categories, but to me it was not, and is not the same thing at all. After traveling around the world meeting many, many desirable women to me she still seems the best, not the most compassionate, talented, vibrant, or appealing on any measurable scale, but within my heart. When you are deeply in love with someone being approached by another person is like hearing your favorite song being covered by a band in a different genre with too much enthusiasm.
Still, was not fair to reject these women with lame or disingenuous excuses so mainly I tried to stall my way through a semester or seem as oblivious or non-committal as possible, or just make myself unhealthy or crude again for a while, then I would move to a new dorm or class or city and try not to be noticed. I met some really cool friends who were either pretty settled in their life or not really worrying about such things, and also kept speaking to people on isolated web forums closed off from the rest of the internet when I could. I varied details of my past as an experiment to see which relationships would be best served by which information, to which I apologize to everyone. It was my assumption that had you known everything you would be OK with me making up stuff to cover the information I didn't want to get out for the best interest of the girl I cared about, myself, those other women who would be hurt by news of my past since this meant a rather devastating rejection, and also the cast of several soap operas who would suddenly be fired to make room produce all of this for daytime television.
What is the worst thing you have ever heard?
That is. In the midst of a late night philosophical discussion on the nature of love with a friend that bombshell was set off in a hypothetical situation and I was INCREDULOUS, slack of jaw and disbelieving what I had heard. How could you do that to someone? First of all just using someone for sex like that without emotional intimacy between partners is a bit stomach-turning, then to deceive a person over a period of time like that into being your partner when you really wanted someone else, and then the abuse done to yourself in forcing such a mental compromise is, to borrow a term from Ben Croshaw: SHAMPOO DRINKINGLY AWFUL.
That is. In the midst of a late night philosophical discussion on the nature of love with a friend that bombshell was set off in a hypothetical situation and I was INCREDULOUS, slack of jaw and disbelieving what I had heard. How could you do that to someone? First of all just using someone for sex like that without emotional intimacy between partners is a bit stomach-turning, then to deceive a person over a period of time like that into being your partner when you really wanted someone else, and then the abuse done to yourself in forcing such a mental compromise is, to borrow a term from Ben Croshaw: SHAMPOO DRINKINGLY AWFUL.
That is how ugly people have babies.
Quite the retort, eh? If that is how ugly people have babies then ugly people should stop having babies. It's one thing for bored couples to turn to Ian Zearing, but to be so disingenuous from the outset for the sake of sex (or to have some arm candy at parties or from the fear of being alone, from watching too many episodes of Sex and the City or similar sources) there is something wrong. I knew from the beginning when I fell in love I would never use a person in substitute for another- Categorical Imperative, how would you feel being embraced or spoken to knowing each moment the person was imagining or longing for someone you could never be? That is truly awful.
Quite the retort, eh? If that is how ugly people have babies then ugly people should stop having babies. It's one thing for bored couples to turn to Ian Zearing, but to be so disingenuous from the outset for the sake of sex (or to have some arm candy at parties or from the fear of being alone, from watching too many episodes of Sex and the City or similar sources) there is something wrong. I knew from the beginning when I fell in love I would never use a person in substitute for another- Categorical Imperative, how would you feel being embraced or spoken to knowing each moment the person was imagining or longing for someone you could never be? That is truly awful.
It's nice that you can be so high and mighty with your mountain chalet and your horde of romantic admirers, benefiting as you do from "abstinence violation" and assume it will be as easy for everyone else...
I don't assume that, and I wasn't trying to appear judgmental of others by pointing out that I find such behaviors disturbing. I may be one of the only humans ever to live given the opportunity to see things the way I do as page three here mentions (and thankfully not see the world as was shown in detail in the documentary "Crazy Love") , but I do not believe that this is really how people go about living their lives
I don't assume that, and I wasn't trying to appear judgmental of others by pointing out that I find such behaviors disturbing. I may be one of the only humans ever to live given the opportunity to see things the way I do as page three here mentions (and thankfully not see the world as was shown in detail in the documentary "Crazy Love") , but I do not believe that this is really how people go about living their lives
Right, prostitutes are genuinely loved for their inner selves
Well some are, the reason that businessmen are willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for high-class escorts and then end up talking to them through the night or going out dancing with them is that underlying their desire for sex is a loneliness for more than just flesh. They desire a deeper emotional connection.
Well some are, the reason that businessmen are willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for high-class escorts and then end up talking to them through the night or going out dancing with them is that underlying their desire for sex is a loneliness for more than just flesh. They desire a deeper emotional connection.
Wait, so if you had the girl of your dreams you would try to convince her to let you be with other people as well?
That is not the custom in our country and therefore there would be negative aspects of social inclusion inherent in the adoption of those practices. Also I have never wanted anyone but her, and additionally she would likely want a study of polyandry to be brought forward before we chose polygamy as the best model were we ever to be together, which we won't be. Marriage itself (though I respect it highly) is an iniquitous institution toward women without complex premeditation into the preservation of fairness (as even the pop authors now know). Even if your chosen companion was raised to think "traditionally" that does not make it right to exploit them, and will in an overwhelming majority of cases lead to an increased number of problems and resentment within the development of the relationship.
That is not the custom in our country and therefore there would be negative aspects of social inclusion inherent in the adoption of those practices. Also I have never wanted anyone but her, and additionally she would likely want a study of polyandry to be brought forward before we chose polygamy as the best model were we ever to be together, which we won't be. Marriage itself (though I respect it highly) is an iniquitous institution toward women without complex premeditation into the preservation of fairness (as even the pop authors now know). Even if your chosen companion was raised to think "traditionally" that does not make it right to exploit them, and will in an overwhelming majority of cases lead to an increased number of problems and resentment within the development of the relationship.
What about dying alone? / sex? / the Heimlich maneuver? / taking care of you if you become unable to care for yourself? / housework? / ______ ?
Try telling someone you are asexual sometime in conversation, and eventually you will reach a question where the person unwittingly reveals the oft depressing underlying motivations they have for seeking companionship. One can be very lonely even when surrounded by a created family, and most elderly people die without relatives being present- especially if they are the one to outlive their mate (though they are free of course to recreate "Braveheart" hallucinations). It is clearly wrong to trick a person into being with you so that you can use them walking blow up doll, pretzel-dislodger, a maid, or nurse where they would obviously be better off by themselves not committed to such a sham.
Try telling someone you are asexual sometime in conversation, and eventually you will reach a question where the person unwittingly reveals the oft depressing underlying motivations they have for seeking companionship. One can be very lonely even when surrounded by a created family, and most elderly people die without relatives being present- especially if they are the one to outlive their mate (though they are free of course to recreate "Braveheart" hallucinations). It is clearly wrong to trick a person into being with you so that you can use them walking blow up doll, pretzel-dislodger, a maid, or nurse where they would obviously be better off by themselves not committed to such a sham.
Our entire civilization is structured upon systemic exploitation! Do you think that farmers WANT to grow you food?
I've never personally created an entire market where a farmer was pressured with expectations to make me food without adequate compensation, the relational contract IS a symbolical parallel.
I've never personally created an entire market where a farmer was pressured with expectations to make me food without adequate compensation, the relational contract IS a symbolical parallel.
Why not make up for any imbalances in the bedroom? [Wiggles eyebrows suggestively]
Studies overwhelmingly suggest that compound annoyances or stressors during the day can not be "made up for" with positive experiences- even the most amazing and creative of spontaneous romantic gestures or slow, sensual, mind-blowing sex.
Studies overwhelmingly suggest that compound annoyances or stressors during the day can not be "made up for" with positive experiences- even the most amazing and creative of spontaneous romantic gestures or slow, sensual, mind-blowing sex.
Why is love so important anyhow? Are arranged marriages in Asia where two total strangers are set up without meeting one another and can GROW into harmony, friendship, and mutual dependence so bad?
Those can be great, and alternatively they can be limb-rendingly savage, abusive, barbaric, and sickening to behold. Asian literature hopefully misrepresents the percentage of problem cases. I recuse myself from such arrangement (and all other incorporations) on the strength of aforementioned attachments.
Those can be great, and alternatively they can be limb-rendingly savage, abusive, barbaric, and sickening to behold. Asian literature hopefully misrepresents the percentage of problem cases. I recuse myself from such arrangement (and all other incorporations) on the strength of aforementioned attachments.
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